Old and New Jokes

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

An old woman walks into a drug store and asks the young man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms. The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her yes, we do.

Theyre right here behind the counter.

The old woman thanks the clerk and stands there, and stands there, and stands there.

The clerk asks the old woman, is there something else I can help you with, Maam?.

The woman smiles sweetly at the clerk and says no, thank you, son.

Im just waiting here to see who buys them.

Man: Havent we met before?

Woman: Yes, Im the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

Man: Havent I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yeah, thats why I dont go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours and Ill go to mine.

Man: Id like to call you. Whats your number?

Woman: Its in the phone book.

Man: But I dont know your name.

Woman: Thats in the phone book too.

Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: Im a female impersonator.

Man: Hey, baby, whats your sign?

Woman: Do not Enter

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized !

Man: Hey, come on, were both here at this bar for the same reason.

Woman: Yeah! Lets pick up some chicks!

Man: Im here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.

Woman: You mean youve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?

Man: I know how to please a woman.

Woman: Then why arent you leaving me alone?

Man: I want to give myself to you.

Woman: Sorry, I dont accept cheap gifts.

Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy:

Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, Id probably die laughing.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: Id go through anything for you.

Woman: Good! Lets start with your bank account.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Ever wonder whether anybody could be so dumb as to require
instructions telling them how to play with a Slinky (a
childrens toy consisting of a large flexible spring)?
Well, in case you were wondering HERE are the instructions
that come with one:

TO PLAY WITH SLINKY IN HANDS

Hold end coils of Slinky with both hands. Now raise and
lower each hand in a rhythmic motion.

TO BOUNCE SLINKY UP AND DOWN

Hold a few coils lightly in one hand, allowing rest of
Slinky to hang down. Now in a bouncing motion, move
hand slowly up and down.

TO WALK SLINKY DOWN INCLINE OR SLOPE

Any board or table top with a non-slip surface will do.
Slope surface so rise equals about 1 foot for every 4
foot length. Place Slinky at top, flip and watch Slinky
start down, end over end.

Farmer Browns son George went to the big city to make his fortune. Unfortunately he became a stockbroker, and on last October 20, he found himself reduced to shining shoes for a living.

At the same time, a run of unusually good weather resulted in an abundance of late hay down on the farm.

So, in this story, … the farmer makes hay, while the son shines.

A man came home unexpectedly to find his wife in bed with another man.


His wife sat up and groaned.


Oh Lord, she grumbled. Here comes bigmouth. Itll be all over town now!

Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer – NO CHEATING!

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Dont stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please… while others are preparing to go.

10. Dont take extra strokes.

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Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

(From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom 🙂

Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clintons cheek.

The blond thinks: That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face

The fat lady thinks: That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him.

Bill Clinton thinks: George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.

George Bush thinks: I hope theres another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Rhoda!
Rhoda who?
Row, Row, Rhoda boat…!