Old and New Jokes

13. Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.

After a big fight broke out in a pub, the police were called in, as staffwere cleared away the debris, they spotted old Ron, a regular customer, lying uncocious in a corner. As he came round, one of the policemen asked him:Did you get in fracus.

Ron replied: No, in the nose.

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Dont be redundant; dont use more words than necessary; its highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called How to Hug?
A: When she got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.

A Neon.

Few women admit their age. Few men act it!

He does not have a Beer Gut
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility

He is not a Bad Dancer
He is Overly Caucasian

He does not Get Lost All The Time
He Investigates Alternative Destinations

He is not Balding
He is in Follicle Regression

He is not a Cradle Robber
he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships

He does not get Falling-Down Drunk
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal

He does not act like a Total Ass
He develops a case of Rectal-Cranial Inversion

He is not a Sexmachine
He is Romantically Automated

He is not a Male Chauvinist Pig
He has Swine Empathy

He is not afraid of Commitment
He is Monogamously Challenged

He does not Undress You With His Eyes
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, I sure wish I could do that!

The other one looks at him and says, Well, I think Id pet him first.

Although Cupid got all the girls hot,

a great lover himself he was not.

They would say, Sorry, sport,

but your arrows too short–

What we want is what Hercules got.

—————

Euphemism is all very well,

but if I really am going to hell,

Id rather it be

for lechery,

not for loving the ladies too well.

————-

Junos measure of fury was full,

but Zeus had a trick he could pull.

He said, Surely, my dear,

whatever you hear

from Europa is all cock and bull.

—————-

Oh a pussys a timorous beast,

needing petting and patience at least,

but shell alter completely,

if handled quite sweetly,

and sit up and roar when shes greased.