Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if one of your kids was born on a pool table!

You might be a redneck if…
You gene pool doesnt have a "deep end."

While out Looking For A Place To Hunt: (supposedly true)

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into
a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission
to hunt. The old farmer said, Sure you can hunt, but would you
do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old
and sick with cancer, but I dont have the heart to kill her. Would
you do it for me? The hunter said, Sure, and headed for the car.

While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his
hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the
farmer had said OK, he said, No, we cant hunt here, but Im going
to teach that old cuss a lesson. With that, he rolled down his
window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed,
There, that will teach him! a second shot rang out from the
passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, I got
the cow!

Copied from the Brownells Gunsmiths Newsletter who credits Larry
Ahlman, Ahlmans, Rt. 1, Box 20, Morristown, MN 55052.

[Ed: And reportedly from Micky Mantles Autobiography. Billy Martin shoots
the cow.]

The British Navy was sailing along when the First Mate ran up to the Admiral.

He said Sir, their are eight Spanish ships heading for us.

The Admiral told the First Mate to go get his red dress suit for him. The First Mate asked Why?.

The Admiral said So if I get shot, the men wont see the blood and will keep on fighting.

The First Mate ran off to get the suit but came back quickly.

Sir, there are another eighty Spanish ships running us down from the opposite direction!

The Admiral exclaimed, Run and fetch me my brown pants, quickly!

Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-there werent any light bulbs in the 13th century.

A preacher, who shall we say was humor impaired, attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowds attention, said, The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasnt my wife! The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, And that woman was my mother! – The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided hed give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife! The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, …and I cant remember who she was!

What do you call a pollock with half a brain?

Gifted

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. Sid, asked Al, are there any Jews in China?

I dont know, Sid replied. Why dont we ask the waiter?

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, Are there any Chinese Jews?

I dont know sir, let me ask, the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, No, sir. No Chinese Jews.

Are you sure? Al asked.

I will check again, sir. the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.

When the waiter returned he said, Sir, no Chinese Jews.

Are you really sure? Al asked again. I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.

Sir, I ask everyone, the waiter replied exasperated.

We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro.

What do you mean its illegal? asked the Englishmen.

Quattro means four replies the Italian official.

Quattro is just the name of the automobile, the Englishmen retort disbelievingly.

Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons.

You canta pulla thata one ona me, replies the Italian customs agent.

Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakina the law.

The Englishmen replies angrily, You idiot! Call your supervisor over – I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!

Sorry, responds the Italian official, he canta come. Hesa busy with 2 guys in a Uno.