Old and New Jokes

Dos delincuentes juveniles fueron presentados ante el juez, por posesión de drogas. El juez les dijo que los dejaría en libertad si ayudaban a convencer a otros adolescentes de lo malo que eran las drogas. Los dos estuvieron de acuerdo y una semana después regresaron con el juez a explicar lo que habían hecho.

El primero dijo: Bueno, yo sólo dibujé dos círculos en el pizarrón, una grande y uno pequeño. Entonces les expliqué a todos que el círculo grande representaba al cerebro antes de usar drogas y el pequeño después de usarlas.

El juez estaba bastante satisfecho, pero entonces el segundo muchacho dijo:

Eso no es nada. Mi presentación fue mucho mejor, y con el mismo dibujo. Yo sólo les dije a todos que el círculo pequeño era su culo antes de ir a prisión, y el grande es como les quedaría después de ir a prisión.

La aviación Norteamericana, preparó una bellísima home page, infelizmente ya desactivada, describiendo uno de sus mas ingeniosos dispositivos. El mismo buscaba probar la resistencia del vidrio del parabrisas de aeronaves y consistía en una especie de cañón que disparaba un pollo muerto en dirección al vidrio del avión probado.

El disparo era exacto y reproducía la velocidad con la cual un ave alcanzaría el avión en vuelo. Si el parabrisas resistía la prueba de impacto del ave, entonces soportaría una colisión con un pájaro en un vuelo real. El dispositivo funcionó perfectamente, con centenas de pruebas efectuadas en los Estados Unidos.

Estudiosos de Tontilandia, que estaban desarrollando una locomotora super veloz, encontraron ese home page y se interesaron por el cañón de pollos, pensando en aplicar la idea a los parabrisas de su nuevo tren hi-tech.

Entraron en contacto con los norteamericanos, consiguieron un cañón prestado y procedieron a efectuar las pruebas.

Ya en el primer tiro, el pollo reventó el vidrio frontal del tren, quebró el panel de instrumentos, estropeó la silla del ingeniero, hirió a dos técnicos y voló hasta el fondo de la locomotora, estrellándose en la pared trasera y dejando un profundo agujero en la chapa. Los científicos de Tontilandia quedaron completamente perplejos con el sorprendente y violento resultado.

Documentaron la escena en detalle, produjeron fotos digitales, grabaron declaraciones de testigos oculares, elaboraron documentos técnicos y enviaron toda la información a los Estados Unidos, preguntando que era lo que habían hecho mal.

Los técnicos estadounidenses estudiaron cuidadosamente la documentación recibida y respondieron, en un e-mail seco y directo:

DESCONGELEN EL POLLO

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?



The doctor replied, Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.



The lawyer looked puzzled. Gee, he asked, how do you start a flood?

Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?
So that they can pack the defence!

Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the gutter!

Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?
Player: I finished it in three days!

What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
The scenter spot!

For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution…and it is always wrong.

– If youve got
melted chocolate all over your hands, youre eating it too slowly.
– Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries
all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
– The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shop in
a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the car park.
– Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. Itll take the edge
off your appetite and youll eat less.
– A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories
in one place. Isnt that handy?
– If you cant eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But
if you cant eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?
– If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate
to protect themselves.
– Money talks. Chocolate sings.
-Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

-If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights.
An entire garment industry would be devastated.
– Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to
do today. That way, at least youll get one thing done.

Network TV is reported to be developing a Texas version of
Survivor, the recent popular TV show.

Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas,
Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and
Lubbock. Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that
reads, Im for Gore, Im gay, and Im here to take your guns.

The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner.

A road consturction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde."You havent been painting as much road as you did on the first day, the manager said. Whats the problem? Id be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!

You need a dictionary to spell your name.

You dont change your socks until the first pair rots off.

People ask your wife when her babys due and shes not pregnant.

And God created woman and she had three breasts.

He then asked the woman,
Is there anything youd like to have changed?

She replied,
Yes, you could get rid of this middle breast?

And so it was done, and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand,
What can be done with this useless boob?

And God created man.