Old and New Jokes

Joeys E-Mail Joke, and His Subsequent Visit from the Secret Service
Larry Learns About Leather
My Dad is a Fifty-Year-Old Hippie and I Want Some Discipline
Its a Mall World After All
RJ Reynolds Presents: A Teenagers Guide to the Dangerous, Grown-Up and Really Cool World of Smoking
I Can Stop Anytime I Want: My Personal Beanie Baby Hell
Look Before Crossdressing
The Littlest Testicle
Binge and Purge: A Junior High Girls Guide to Staying Skinny
If You Cant Stand the Infection, Don=92t Get Your Nipple Pierced
Eschew the Powder, Zebedee: An Amish Drug Tragedy
Yikes! My Boobs are Growing!

and Top5s Number 1 Afterschool Special for the 90s…

Your Internet Friend, Billy, Who Wants You to Take a Bus to Miami By Yourself, Probably Isnt Really 10 Years Old Like You

Ruminations & Ponderances

Ill bet Julius Caesars real last words were, Ha! The jokes on you Brutus. I still owe you 5 dollars.

(Thanks to Dave Henry)

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?

A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it wont follow you around for a week.

Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was illegitiment because she couldnt read

Vary your vehicles speed inversely with the speed limit.Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.Two words: Chicken suit.Write the words Help me on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.Laugh a lot. A whole lot.Stop at the green lights.Go at the red ones.Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.Eat food that requires silverware.Pass cars, then drive very slowly.Sing without having the radio on.Honk frequently without motivation.Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.Ask people for Grey Poupon.Let pedestrians know whos boss.Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.Restart your car at every stop light.Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.Keep at least five cats in the car.Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.Stop and collect roadkill.Throw Spam.Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.

>From New Scientist, 28 august 93, Feedback column:

The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps
personal information about its customers-such as their political
affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a
financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved
into the realm of personal abuse.

The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers,
inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers
wrote a program to search through its databases and select its
customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary
customer called Rich Bastard.

Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed
Dear Rich Bastard. The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked.

There was this magician who did an act for vacationers. He had a parrot that was always ruining his act by blurting out in the middle of a trick, AWK! The card is up his sleeve, or AWK! He had the bird in his pocket, or AWK! He slipped it through a hole in the hat.

One day the ship sank, and the magician and parrot found themselves together, floating along on a small raft in the middle of the ocean. For three days the parrot just sat silently and stared at the magician. Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot said, AWK! Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?

Since the Bush administration hasnt yet figured out the details of its proposed military tribunals, I thought Id offer a suggestion.

Basically, we have three constraints to meet:

The trials must not be hampered by the US constitution: they are to be secret, with the ability to withhold evidence from the accused, use hearsay and circumstantial evidence, and impose the death penalty with a majority vote.

They need to be supervised by an institution with extensive experience in managing key elements of United States infrastructure.

Since were in a recession now, they need to be cheap.

I say we take a page from U.S. manufacturers and outsource them to China.

from rec.humor.funny

From The Simpsons in April of 1993:
[Bart] Didnt you think there was something wrong when you were getting checks for doing nothing?
[Grandpa] I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.

The Irishman was thinking: This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel Ill make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again.

Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thats a military secret.