Old and New Jokes

One day, a man complained to his friend, My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor.



His friend said, Dont do that. Theres a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.



The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.

It will be better in two weeks.



That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.



He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in thisample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises,flashedlights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant….twin girls. They arent yours. Get a lawyer.



And…. if you dont stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.

Top Ten List for 4/25/1994

Youll never sit down again!
Singapore – spanking clean!

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Neds here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat. "Ned, youre pretty popular!" says Bill. "Im the most popular man in the world," says Ned. "Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but youre not the most popular man in the world." "Oh yeah," Ned replies "Ill bet you a thousand dollars that Im friends with anybody you can name!" "That so?" answers Bill, "How about the president of the United States?" "Lets go!" says Ned. The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I havent seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave. "That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!" "Lets go!" says Ned. The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave. Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you dont know the Pope!" "J.P!" says Ned, "Lets go!" When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Neds arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and sees Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up. "Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says, "Ned. Youre the most popular man in the world." "I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didnt faint when I knew the President! You didnt faint when I knew the Queen!" "I could almost take it that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldnt take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Whos that up there with Ned?"

1. Dont call, ever.

2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like Spike.

3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isnt your fault.

5. Lie.

6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, dont ask. People will think you have no penis.

7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

9. Lie.

10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

11. Say things like Wha. . . ?

12. Deny everything. Everything.

13. Dont have a clue.

14. If you dont get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, Dont worry. If you dont have an orgasm, you wont get pregnant.

16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend its not true or kick some ass.

17. Lie.

18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For example: Question: Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?

Answer: Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce daily.

19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia.

20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you dont know.

21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you dont know.

22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.

23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

26. Lie.

27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?

28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away.

29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted Door Spot and other will worship you.

31. If youre on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you have been laid in.

32. When you tell a girl about your past, its good to say, God, I was such a pimp back then.

33. Heres a good trick. Tell a girl that youre going to leave and when you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed. Leave and go into her dads room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.

34. The best sex position is you, lying face up. . . and twenty girls on top.

35. Practice your blank stare.

36. If youre ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random, inconvenient times. You wont be asked to do it again.

37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY dont want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesnt work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you dont know howto do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say See???? I told you I couldnt do it. Eventually people will stop asking you to do things.

38. Do not listen to pussy music like Color Me Badd or the oldies.

39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

40. Lie.

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

Done! says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, Say something.

The dean sighs and says, I should have taken the money.

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.

The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants goal when the Elephants left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game.

What the hell do you think youre doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?

The elephant replied, Well, I didnt mean to kill him — I was just trying to trip him up.

There was a job opening in the countrys most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well-spoken.

Its up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, Why did you become a lawyer? In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. I dont understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that Id lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?

I said I became a lawyer because of my hands, Robert replies.

Your hands? What do you mean?

Well, I took a look one day and there wasnt any money in either of them!

A womans three biggest lies…

1-Youre the Biggest. 2-Youre the Best. 3-It doesnt always taste like that.