Old and New Jokes

One day a blonde was walking through a park when she saw a coke machine she decided to buy some coke when it came out she started looking around it then a brunette came walking by and asked the blonde why she turning the bottle and she said Im looking for the ingredients.

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, Wow, these seats are big! The person next to him answered, Everything is big in Texas.

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, Wow these mugs are big! The bartender replied, Everything is big in Texas.

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, Second door to the right. The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, Dont flush, dont flush!

A: One.

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. I think this one will really move, said the broker. Its only $1 a share.

Buy me 1,000 shares, said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, You were right. Give me 5,000 more shares.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, Get me 10,000 more shares.

Great! said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, Sell all my shares!

The broker asked, To who? You were the only one buying that stock.

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, Father, it has been one month since my last confession. Ive had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month. The priest tells the sinner, You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys. Soon, another man enters the confessional. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months. This time the priest asks, Who is this Fannie Green? A new woman in the neighbourhood, the sinner replies. Very well, says the priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys. The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the mens eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, Is that Fannie Green?! The altar boy replies, No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes.

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive:

Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Childs stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines:

Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide – one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

Never withhold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, lets resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

If strike isnt settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Childs death ruins couples holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasnt seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kurt & Conan!
Kurt & Conan who?
Kurt & Conan down down on the last act!

Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.

A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, he says, Hey b-b-b-artender. Give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink for me.

The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but the drunk is belligerent. Give that douche bag at a drink, dammit! he shouts.



The bartender becomes angry. Sir, I will not permit you to sit here and call the lady names.



The drunk persists. For the last time, bartender, bring me my drink and give that douche bag down there a drink, too!



Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender approaches the woman and apologizes for the behavior of the drunk. The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, maam. What can I get for you?



The woman replies, Oh,… Ill have a vinegar and water, please!

Yo mama so ugly she could scare Osama Bin Laden out of hiding.