Old and New Jokes

An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

1) How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
You open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. 2) How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
You open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. 3) The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?
The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. 4) There is a river you must cross. But it is filled with crocodiles. How do you manage it?
You swim across — all the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?



A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, Thatd be my dog. Why?



Well, squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, I believe my dog just killed it, sir.



What? roared the big man in disbelief. What kind of dog do you have?



Sir, answered the little man, Its a four week old puppy.



How could your puppy kill my Doberman? roared the biker.



It appears that he choked on it, sir.

Real engineers wear jewelry made from discarded motherboards.
Contrary to popular belief, real engineers do put on nail polish; they just never remove it.
Real engineers schedule their yearly Pap smear around their beta release schedule.
Real engineers not only nurse and program at the same time, but they lull their babies to sleep by the clacking of the keyboard.
Real engineers buy their husbands matching screwdrivers for Christmas, but use them more than he does.
Real engineers get narcotics during labor, not for the pain, but to stop them from taking the fetal distress monitor apart.
Real engineers dont shave their legs above the hemline, in the interest of efficiency.
Also in the interest of efficiency, real engineers buy convertibles so they can blow-dry their hair on the way to work in the morning.
Real engineers carry 2 cans of soup, a yogurt (and a spoon), a box of Triscuits and a package of light Hostess Cupcakes in their purses at all times, in case they pull an all-nighter.
Real engineers only buy purses big enough to fit their laptops in.
Real engineers only wear slipon shoes (with or without heels) so she can take them off to sit cross legged in her chair while programming.
Real engineers keep getting thrown out of Vicorias Secrest because they insist on knowing the exact tensile strength of their bras before buying them.
Real engineers are excited at their first periods, but mostly because its gives them a chance to use the biometric viscosity measurement tools in their science kits.
Real engineers carry a set of matched screwdrivers in their purses.
Real engineers figure out how to nurse and fix the toaster at the same time.
Real engineers fix the runs in their pantyhose with duct tape.
Real engineers figure out algorithms to minimize thread usage when doing counted cross stitch.
Real engineers keep their key chains and pen pocket protectors on even during labor.
Real Engineers look on having a baby as an opportunity to brush up on biomedical and structural engineering in preparation for taking the PE exam.
Real engineers cinch their biking skirts with cable ties.
Real engineers read the toxic shock inserts in the tampon box.
Real engineers examine the inner workings of the fetal monitor between contractions.
Real engineers make cantilevered birthday cakes (but never provide documentation on how to cut them!)
Real engineers never spell in front of the kids; theyd like to, but they cant!

As Jack the Rippers mother said to her son, How come you never go out with the same girl twice?

As Caesar said, Let me mix that salad!

As Moses said to God, Let me see if I have it right – the Arabs get the oil and we get to cut off the tips of our WHAT?

As George Washington said when he was crossing the Delaware, I cant understand it. I paid for a seat!

As Jesse James said to his brother Frank, We cant rob that bank. Thats where we keep our money!

As Vincent Van Gogh said after he cut off his ear, Dont shout!

Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock

Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen

Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were
Just For Fun

Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past
With US President

Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. This
Is True Love, He Beams.

Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In D.C.

Cody, Cassidy Gifford Elude Authorities. Drug-Crazed Crime Spree Continues

President Bonecrusher Jones to Face Chief Justice Mad Dog Ortega
In Cage Match

Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife

Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants

Younger Generations Music Provokes Outrage of Elders

D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow

Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sothebys

Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Stripers Allegations

Court Clears
AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges

50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

Baby Conceived Naturally

It Wasnt the Cigarettes – It Was the Ashtrays

Q: Why doesnt Bill like old houses?
A: Hes afraid of the draft.

A couple gets married, and thirty years later theyre in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs.

Her husband starts to cry.

She says, Whats the matter?

He says, Thirty years ago I couldnt wait to eat it. Now it looks like it cant wait to eat me.

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.



She quickly turned and asked, Whats so funny Bobby?

Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.

Get out of my classroom, she yells, I dont want to see you for three days!



The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.

Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, Whats so funny Billy?



Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters.

Again she yells, Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, and tells him – I dont want to see you for three weeks!



Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.



And where do you think you are going? she asks.



Well teach, from what I just saw, my school days are over!

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, Oh, its Sunday night and my car broke down! I dont know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?

Well, drawls the farmer, you can stay here, but I dont want you messin with my sons Jed and Luke.



She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.



Okay, she says.



After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?



They say, Huh?



She says, The only thing is, I dont want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers. She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.





Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.



Jed says, Luke?



Luke says, Yeah, Jed?



Jed says, You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?



Yeah, says Luke, I remember.



Well, do you care if she gets pregnant? asks Jed.



Nope, says Luke, I reckon not.



Me, neither, says Jed, Lets take these things off.