REASONS WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
1. A guitar has a volume knob
2. If you break a guitars G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
4. You can unplug a guitar
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care
9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
10. If your guitar doesnt make sounds you like, you can return it
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
14. If you scratch a guitars back, its unintentional, not required
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
16. Its good to have a guitar thats stretched out.
17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed.
18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering.
20. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
21. A guitar doesnt take half of everything you own when you sell it.
REASONS WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN GUITARS
1. Women are more fun when the power goes out
2. You cant get your guitar wet
3. Ever try to screw a guitar?
4. The input to a guitar is only 1/4
5. A guitar wont beg to be played
6. Its no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it
7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue
8. Guitars arent very aggressive
9. A guitar wont play you back
10. You need two hands to make a guitar scream
11. A guitar wont scratch *your* back
12. A guitar wont drive you home if youre too drunk
13. A guitar doesnt care who plays it
14. You cant play two guitars at once
15. You cant fall in love with a guitar (well, maybe you can, but they cant love you back)
16. Its a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings.
17. Guitar lessons arent free and arent as much fun.
18. If you really *do* want little guitars, you have to buy them.
19. You cant marry a rich guitar.
20. Even a good guitar wont usually last a whole lifetime.
21. Guitars dont taste very good.
22. A guitar wont give you head.
Definitions of A Diplomat:
Always knows what to talk about, but doesnt always talk about what he knows.
Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.
Can always make himself misunderstood.
Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.
Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.
Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi.
Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.
Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.
Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.
Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.
Can make nothing sound like something.
Can put his best foot forward when he doesnt have a leg to stand on.
Can put his foot down without stepping on someones toes.
Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
Can tell a man hes open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.
Can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the trip.
Comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you.
Divides his time between running for office and running for cover.
Has a straightforward way of dodging issues.
Knows how far to go before he goes too far.
Lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants.
Never tells a woman how nice she looks in a gown. He tells her how nice the gown looks on her.
Puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve.
Straddles an issue whenever he isnt dodging one.
Will approach every question with an open mouth.
Will lay down your life for his country.
Will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him.
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.
When they get back, his friend says to him, So, tell me, how was it?
Oh, it was beautiful, says the man. The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we –
His friend interrupts him. A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?
Oh, says the man, we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday…
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, Thats once. A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, Thats twice. After a little while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didnt say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride scolded him, That was an awful thing to do! The farmer said, Thats once.
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: Sorry, but we
dont
serve minors. So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth
between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out
flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp
enough.A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, Excuse
me. Ill just be a second. An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is
not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender
notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: Get out now!
Youre the seventh minor Ive found in this bar tonight.The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a
3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a
nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: Youre looking sharp
tonight, come on in! This could be a major development. This proves to be
the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands
there au natural.Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that hes under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution
of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale
correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any
wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are
bassless.The bartender decides, however, that since hes only had tenor so patrons,
the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble,
he needs a rest – and closes the bar.
These plates are on forbidden list in the state of Virgina, USA.
Sexually Prodigious, Male:
ABIG14U
EJAQL8
GR8PNOS
MULEDK
9INDONG
WELHNG
Sexually Prodigious, Female:
AHOTBOX
EZ2GETN
MTYMUF
SGRPUSS
36DCUP
Gay:
AGAYLAY
BGAY
GAYRU
IMBI
SODOM
Sexually Adventurous:
AMUFDVR
BEVRETR
CLTNBLR
IB6UB9
DOU69TO
TUNGME
FEL80
BTFKR
Ornery:
ADIOSMF
AIM2KIL
DTFKWME
FAHCU2
FCOUGH
UPYABUM
If ya cant figure these out… get a clue.
From Spy Magazine
The US finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars. The spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut descended and tested the atmosphere. Low and behold it was safe for people to breathe. He removed his space suit and exited the spacecraft. He was amazed to find himself in a lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills. He hiked for some distance and came upon a beautiful little white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white picket fence like something out of Better Homes and Gardens. He walked up to the front door and found it open.
He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen, he went back there. WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful blonde he had ever seen standing over a large pot on the stove. Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she was stirring with a large spoon. As he watched she kept stirring and stirring.
After a couple hours he finally asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was having a baby. He was quite skeptical but after a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into the gooey mess and pulled out a beautiful baby girl. He told her that was really amazing but that was not the way it was done on Earth.
She asked, How do you do it on Earth?
With a twinkle in his eyes he said come on back to the bedroom and Ill show you. After an hour of the wildest sex he had ever experienced he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette.
Well, she said, where is the baby?
He said Oh, that takes nine months.
Well why did you stop stirring?
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see youve set aside this special time, to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, well look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist.
I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
Im really easy to get along with, once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable… It must be time to up my medication.
Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.
Im out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
I dont work here. Im a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I cant do this job without my toys!
It might look like Im doing nothing, but at the cellular level Im really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . .
Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks…DOH!
A blondes redhead decides to show her a neat way to trick people — you put your hand on a wall and ask someone to punch it. But before they do, you pull your hand away! "That is a neat trick," thinks the blonde, and tries desperately to remember it, but isnt all too successful. Despite this, she decides to try it out on her blonde friend."Okay," she says, "Im going to put my hand in front of my face…"