Old and New Jokes

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, You graduated from the University of Texas. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?

The square root of 5 is 2 for small values of 5.

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to, Where do pets come from?

Adam said, Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I dont see you anymore. Im lonesome here and its difficult for me to remember how much you love me.

And God said, No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.

And God said, No problem, because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.

And Adam was comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adams guardian angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.

And the Lord said, No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.

And Adam was pleased.

And the Dog was pleased.

And the Cat didnt care one way or the other.

An Irishman was dying and his wife was at his bedside.

She says: Pat, youve been a wonderful husband all these years. Is there anything at all that I can do for you before you go.

Pat says: No Mary, nothing at all.

Mary says: Now Pat, isnt there a thing I can do for you.

Pat says: Mary, The priests been here, Ive been shriven. Theres nothing more to do.

Mary persists: Pat, tis forty and more years youve taken such good care of me and the kids. There has to be one more thing I can do for you before you die.

Pat says: Well Mary, is that one of your famous apple pies I smell baking in the oven?

She says: Yes it is, Pat.

He says: Well, if I could have one more piece of your famous apple pie before I go.

She says: The hell with you. Thats for the wake.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, be terrified, and howl in pain and anger! He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

How can you tell a blonde is under stress?

Shes got her tampax behind one ear and she cant find her pen!

OPTIMIST, n.

a doctor who advises a mother of five active youngsters to relax
a guy who thinks the woman in the phone booth will be out in a moment when he hears her saying good-bye
the guy who believes that the E on the cars gas gauge means enough
the person who is hired to write the text of a companys prospectus
an individual who always proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds (a pessimist fears this is true)
a citizen who votes for a congressman because he promised to lower taxes by eliminating government waste
a person who waits for his ship to come in even if he has never launched one
a person who realizes each morning that someday this will be one of the good old days
the woman who really believes that the man she is about to marry is better than the one she just divorced
a philosopher (with the news these days) who realizes that it takes a great deal of optimism to be a pessimist
a person who goes on a fishing trip with a camera and a frying pan
a ninety-year old newlywed who buys a home near a school
a guy who watches the eight, ten, and eleven oclock news hoping things will get better
a man who spends his last dollar on a new wallet

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates.

St. Peter told the first husband, I cant let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.

Dejected, he turned and walked away.

The next married couple stepped up, and St. Peter told the husband, Cant let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life.

You even married a girl named Penny.

The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.

The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, Come on, Fanny, hes not going to let us in either!

Un joven, que practicaba el nudismo, recibió una carta de su abuela en la cual le pedía que, por favor, le mandara una fotografía reciente de él. Como no tenía otra, excepto la que se tomó en el campo nudista, decidió enviarle esa, pero antes la partió por la mitad.

Después que hubo mandado la mitad de la fotografía por correo, se dio cuenta que había cometido un grave error: le envió a su abuela la mitad equivocada. Pero él mismo se consoló pensando que como la anciana tenía tan mala su vista, que tal vez ni cuenta se daría. Varios días después, el nieto recibió otra carta de su abuela:

Hijito, te agradezco mucho la foto que me mandaste. Quiero sugerirte que deberías cambiarte ese estilo de peinado, pues te hace ver muy cachetón y muy chato.

On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.

I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man she tells her new hubby.



The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?.

The wife answers …well maybe!



Husband asks who it was.

The wife answers – it was Tiger Woods.



Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, hes not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon thing. When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.



What are you doing? asked his bride.

Im calling for room service. After all that work Im hungry!



The wife says, Tiger wouldnt do that.

Really! Just what would TIGER do? says the husband.



Well we would do it again!



Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed.

This same thing happens two more times,after which the guy is pretty tired.



So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.

The wife says..youre not calling room service are you!!!!

NO, says the exhausted hubby!

Well who are you calling then, she asks.



Im calling Tiger Woods…

I want to see what par is for this hole!