While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the mans testicles. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the it with an onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
Hows your sex life? the doctor asked.
Pretty good, but Ive had some strange side effects.
Like what? the doctor asked anxiously.
Well, every time I piss my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hotdog stand, I get a hard-on.
Why did the carload of lesbians get to San Francisco faster than the carload of gays?
The lesbians got there lickety-split, while the gays where still packing there shit.
Q: How many antelopes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.
Q: How many Jo Brands does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, you give it to a bloody man to do, cos its a piece of cake, isnt it? Well, no, actually, that expression is crap isnt it, because if you had a piece of cake, youd bloody well eat it, wouldnt you?
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nurse!
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow Id be a little bull.
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!
The kid smiles and says, I would be a bus driver!
¿En qué se parecen los hombres a los robots?
En que no tienen cerebro, no saben hacer nada sin las instrucciones oportunas, son muy artificiales y cuando no valen para nada, los tiras a reciclar y los cambias por uno más eficiente.
The Roslin lab in Scotland is scheduled for a government budget cut.
But that wont have much effect, says Michael X. Ferraro. Once
youve cloned sheep, its not that difficult to counterfeit money.
A Charlotte, NC man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive
cigars, insured them against… get this… fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and
having yet to make a single payment on the policy, the man filed a claim
against the insurance company. In his claim, he stated that he had lost
the cigars in a series of small fires.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the
man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued… and
won!
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy
from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable,
and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without
defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire, it was obligated to
compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the judges ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare
cigars he lost in the fires.
After the man cashed his cheque however, the insurance company had him
arrested… on 24 counts of arson ! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was
convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24
consecutive one year terms…
Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyers
office one Monday morning. I want you to begin divorce
proceedings, she announced.
The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?
Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, We wanted to wait until all the children were dead.