Old and New Jokes

I found the following bit of humor in the March 1995 Readers Digest. Do any of you have laws youd like to add to the list?

THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW

By Richard Johnson

It seems that we have laws for everything but the stuff that can really get on our nerves. For instance, there oughta be a law to protect citizens from the airline passenger who maintains his seat in a fully reclined position while an in-flight meal is being served. So I propose that we start passing some much-needed legislation to crack down on the following offenses:

RESISTING A REST: Repeatedly disrupting an entire row of patrons at a theater or sports event by heading for refreshments, frequent rest-room visits and leg-stretching.

EUPHONIOUS ASSAULT: Playing the car radio at ear-splitting volume so the next driver is blasted into the back seat.

LANE SHARKING: Parking over two spaces in a crowded lot so that the adjacent space is rendered useless.

COFFEE-RIGHT INFRINGEMENT: Hurry-up restaurant employees who are too quick to bring your bill at the end of a meal.

VIOLATION OF INDIVIDUAL SWIVEL RIGHTS: Rotating a circular merchandise rack while another shopper is browsing on the other side.

BREAKING AND EXITING: Slipping away after dropping a bottle of pancake syrup while in an empty grocery-store aisle.

SORRY I MISSED HIMMEANOR: Intentionally returning unwanted phone calls when you know the party who called will be out.

KIDYAPPING: Failure to get off the subject of your children.

POLY-GAMEY: Attempting to watch two televised football games and a tennis tournament simultaneously on a Sunday afternoon by means of rapid-fire, remote-control channel surfing.

LABOR FRAUD: Politicians who roll up their sleeves only when posing for campaign photographs.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. (P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: Thats what theyre there for.P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect youre right.P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.

Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.

Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but shell be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.

Dos mujeres, de esas que los esposos no las sacan nunca, se pusieron de acuerdo para salir una noche a echar broma. Total que se fueron a un bar, se tomaron como diez cervezas cada una, y como a las 12 de la noche se regresaron.

En el camino una dice: Cono, me estoy orinando. Párate por aquí, por favor.

La tipa se para, con tan mala suerte que estan al lado de un cementerio. La que se estaba orinando se baja y se pone a orinar en una tumba, pero le da tanto miedo que en lo que termina sale apurada y deja las pantaletas.

Cuando llega, la otra le dice: Ahora tengo que ir yo a orinar, porque de esperarte me dieron ganas a mi tambien.

La tipa se baja, se sienta a orinar en otra tumba, y del miedo cuando termina se pone rápido todo y deja tambien las pantaletas.

Las tipas llegan a la casa y se acuestan. Al otro día, se encuentran los esposos de las mujeres, y uno le dice: No sé tu mujer, pero imaginate la parranda que se echaron, que mi mujer llegó anoche sin pantaletas a la casa.

Y el otro dice:

No joda, chico, eso no es nada. La mía llegó anoche sin pantaletas y con una cinta morada en el culo que decía: Recuerdo de todos tus amigos…

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, What do you have in there, pal?

A mongoose.

What for?

Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and Im scared to death of snakes. Thats why I got this mongoose, for protection.

But, the friend said, you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.

Thats okay, said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, So is the mongoose.

I didnt claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.
So many channels. . .

So little choice.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

If Dear Abby Was A Man…

Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. Im afraid he will not be faithful.

A: A mans capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners.  Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and dont mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour – and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and dont mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing – your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and ont mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesnt know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love – we have no time to talk.

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husbands efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the effort the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should – he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Dont mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and dont forget to cook him a delicious meal.

As part of a seminar I recently attended on stress in the workplace,
I was given a packet which included a family stress test. Our family found
that all of the questions fell into what we considered the wuss category,
and generated our own family stress test:

Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if
it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

1. ____ Conversations often begin with Put the gun down, and then we can
talk.

2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

3. ____ The cat is on Valium.

4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to
speak through clenched teeth.

5. ____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

6. ____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number
of people in the family.

7. ____ No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

8. ____ Family meetings are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

9. ____ You have to check your kids day-timer to see if he can take out
the trash.

10.____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Scoring:

30 – a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 – You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little
going on in your life. Crank it up.

10-19 – You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled
life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered
a parallel career path?

0-9 – Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?