Old and New Jokes

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George!

I heard this on the radio this morning. (Paraphrased by myself.)

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up.
When his wife sees him she asks, What happened to you?

I got into a fight with the apartment manager.

Whatever for?

He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!

Hmmm. I bet its that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor.

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?A: One. The rest are all true stories.

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, Ill give you both of em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um… five?"

This guys wife was always wanting to go golfing with him and he
said he didnt think she would enjoy it. She kept pressuring
him and finally he gave in.

So theyre on the golf course and on the first hole the guy hits
one 300 yards down the middle of the fairway, hits his second
shot three feet from the pin, and putts for a birdie. This
lucky streak continues and he birdies 5 straight holes.
Then they get to the 6th hole. He takes his driver and hooks
one way out into the left rough behind a barn. They search and
search and find the ball, and he says to his wife, Ill just
take a penalty and drop the ball out in the fairway.

His wife says, Wait a minute! She walks over to the barn and
opens the door on one end and then goes to the other end and
opens that door too. She says, Look, honey, you can see the
hole from here! The way youve been playing, just hit through
the barn and youll do okay.

So he grabs a 3 iron and takes a healthy swat, and it ricochets
off the barn and hits his wife right between the eyes, killing
her instantly.

The grief-stricken man didnt play golf for several years after
his wifes death. Until one day, his friends finally talk him
into a foursome. They go to the same course, and amazingly,
he again birdies the first 5 holes. They get to the 6th tee and
he hits another vicious hook behind the same barn! They finally
find the ball and the guy says he will take a penalty drop in
the fairway. One of his buddies says, Wait a minute! and runs
and opens the barn doors.

The guy screams at him, You dirty SOB, the last time I tried
that, I took a 9 on this hole!!

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, You look terrible. Whats the problem?



My mother died in June, he said, and left me $10,000.



Gee, thats tough, he replied.



Then in July, the friend continued, My father died, leaving me $50,000.



Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder youre depressed.



And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.



Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.



Then this month, continued, the friend, nothing!

Whats the difference between a guitar player and a mutual fund?

The mutual fund will eventually mature and start making money.

This sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai

Sardarji replies Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata

How did Black eye peas get their name?

They were fighting over the Chick peas!