In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on stun.
The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a
crew of 20 just to go into warp — The Millennium Falcon does the same
thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess
Leia still looked fresh and desirable — After pithy Cardassian starvation
torture, Picard looked like hell.
One word: Lightsabers.
Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
The Death Star doesnt care if a world is class M or not.
Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he
encounters.
Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter
impulse power — Han Solo floors it.
I think my wife told me I dont listen.
AMES, IA–The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight
of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can
be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into
contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium
caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction
time is less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice
neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually
increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points,
such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is
always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level
of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it
is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how
Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
results to date are not promising.
Little Jonny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said,
Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Luke what he wants Santa to bring him. If He cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gifts or gifts he requests.
Two days before Christmas, Lukes father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
I want a damn teddy bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.
On Christmas morning, little Luke woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.
When Luke walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, What did Santa bring you this year?
Luke replied, I think I got a dog but I cant find the son-of-a-bitch!
Dear Mr. Johnson:
Ann Landers wouldnt print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.
Its about my son, Billy. Hes always been a good, normal 10 year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy.
We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire — you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.
I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. Its where he went last year. Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago.
I DONT KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. Hes changed. I cant explain it. See for yourself.
These are some of my little Billys letters: ———————————–
Letter # 1 ———- The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. Were learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy.
Letter # 2 ————- Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. By the way, can you make Szechwan food? Im getting used to it now. Gotta go, its time for the flowchart class. Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? Its spell checked too.
Letter # 3 ————- Dear Mom,
Dont worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I dont have much of a tan cause we dont go outside very often. You cant see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. Im okay, really.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 4 ————- Dear Mom,
Im fine. Im sleeping enough. Im eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Can you send more money? Ive got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 5 ————- Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. Weve got a way to not pay. Sorry I havent written. Ive been learning a lot. Im real good at getting onto any computer in the country. Its really easy! I got into the universitys in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, hes going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. Hes really smart. He says that I shouldnt call myself Billy anymore. So, Im not.
Signed, William.
Letter # 6 ————- Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Whyd you get so upset? I havent gained that much weight. The glasses arent real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that youd be proud of my program. After all, Ive made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, Ive paid for the next six weeks of camp. I wont be home until late August.
Regards, William.
Letter # 7 ————- Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True — physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. – the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I wont write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.
What can I do, Mr. Johnson? See what I mean? Its been two weeks since Ive heard from my little boy. I know that its probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.
Sally Gates, Concerned Parent
Goebels Law Of Software Compatibility: A statement of absolute functional equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in fine.
COMPETITIVE SALARY
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM
We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
We dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
Youll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON
If youre old, fat or ugly youll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
Weve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
Youll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
Youre walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition
of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If
you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help
understanding the commands.
The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening
screen. It reads Winders 98 with a background picture of the General
Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy
Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My
Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is
called Good Ol Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard,
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them
little ole plastic disc thangs.
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag
and duct tape. Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital
letters or punctuation marks.
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy
of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a
replacement version.
Translations of some of the commands and terms used in Winders 98
OKats aww-right
cancelhail no
resetaw shoot
yesshore
noNaaaa
findhunt-fer it
go toover yonder
backback yonder
helphep me out here
stopternit off
startcrank it up
settingssittins
programsstuff at does stuff
documentsstuff I done done
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98
tiperiterA word processor
colering booka graphics program
addin mershenecalculator
outhouse paper notepad
jupe-boxCD Player
inner-netMicrosoft Explorer
pichersA graphics viewer
IRSM/S accounting software
IRS2M/S accounting software
Janet Reno and Hilary Clinton were engaging in typical girl talk. Hilary told Janet how lucky she was not having men make unwanted advances towards her, and that she never knew where Bills pecker was the night before. Janet Reno remarked that just because she wasnt beautiful didnt mean that men didnt make passes at her.
So Hillary asked Janet how she warded off these unwanted sexual advances and Janet told her that whenever a man made an unwanted pass at her, she mustered up the loudest, stinkiest fart she could, and that it worked every time.
Hilary thought this was a great idea and decided to use it the next time Bill got frisky.
That night, Bill was in bed before Hilary. As soon as she slipped between the covers, Bill rolled over and Hilary knew he wanted some action. She had been saving her farts all day and let out the loudest, crudest fart she could.
Bill got up on one elbow and said, Janet, that you?
Employers Lingo:
COMPETITIVE SALARY We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE We dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED Youll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON If youre old, fat or ugly youll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE Weve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE Youll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST Youre walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Employees Lingo:
IM EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: Ive used Microsoft Office.
IM HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES I hope you dont ask me about all the McJobs Ive had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK I blame others for my mistakes.
IM PERSONABLE I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
IM EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL I carry a Day-Timer.
I AM ADAPTABLE Ive changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO Im never at my desk.
IM HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED The minute I find a better job, Im outta there.