Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. Who goes there? inquired St. Peter.
Its me, Bill Clinton And what do you want? asked St. Peter.
Lemme in! replied Clinton.
Soooo, pondered Peter. What bad things did you do on earth?
Clinton thought a bit and answered, Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldnt hold that against me because I didnt inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex — but you shouldnt hold that against me because I didnt really have sexual relations. And I lied, but I didnt commit perjury.
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, OK, heres the deal.
Well send you someplace where it is very hot, but we wont call it Hell. Youll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we wont call it eternity. And dont abandon all hope upon entering, just dont hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.
201. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A: A blond electrician
202. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldnt fit.
203. Q: Why wasnt the Virgin Mary a blonde ????
A: She wouldnt have been old enough to bear children!
204. Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
205. Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.
206. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
207. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
208. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husbands car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
209. Q: Why did they call the blond twinkie?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
210. Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
211. Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them
212. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?
213. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because theyre simple, easy and they taste good.
214. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
215. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
216. Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
217. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
218. Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
219. Q: What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A: A brain tumor.
220. Q: Why do blondes find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you dont have to marry them for sex!
10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WONT ADMIT:1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. NSYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WONT ADMIT:1. Hickeys are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your countrys flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. Jump out and run is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi cant possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.10 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WONT ADMIT:1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesnt know everything..
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, its a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix bim could be used to create new words that describe them:
Bimbabble – noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled – constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait – short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar – a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag – a blondes purse
Bimbrushes – essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon – specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper – special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow – sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? – a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze – the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues – a blondes state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette – a young blonde
Bimbonese – language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior – airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle – to fool a blonde
Bimbore – a blonde who uses like more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo – another name for a blonde
Bimboron – a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie – a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette – a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden – blonde carrying too many bags at the mall
Q: How many Ph.D thesis supervisors (advisors) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one; but every time they see a lightbulb they have an irresistible urge to change it!
El abuelo llama al nieto a escondidas y le dice:
“En la mesita de noche de tu papá hay un frasquito pequeño con unas pastillitas azules que dice Viagra. Si tú me traes una pastillita de ésas, sin decirle nada a tu papá, mañana temprano te doy 100 pesos.
“¿100 pesos, abuelo? ¡Eso es mucho dinero! Está bien, espérame aquÃâ€.
El niñito llega a la recámara del papá y agarra el frasquito y lee:
“Via…gra, éstas son y le lleva la pastilla al abuelo.
Al siguiente dÃa, el chiquillo se levanta muy temprano y va a saludar al viejo.
“Buenos dÃas, abuelo. ¿Cómo dormiste?â€
“Muy bien, hijo (con una sonrisa de oreja a oreja)â€.
Y le entrega 2 mil pesos.
El chico, extrañado, alega:
“Abuelo, tú me ofreciste sólo 100 pesosâ€.
“¡SÃ, 100 que te doy yo y 1900 que te manda tu abuela!â€
The Talibans Fall TV Line-up
MONDAYS:
8:00 – Husseinfeld
8:30 – Mad About Everything
9:00 – Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 – The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
10:00 – Allah McBeal
TUESDAYS:
8:00 – Wheel of Terror and Fortune
8:30 – The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right
9:00 – Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things
9:30 – Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 – Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 – U.S. Military Secrets Revealed
8:30 – Bowling For Food
9:00 – Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread
9:30 – Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 – Veilwatch
THURSDAYS:
8:00 – Matima Loves Chachi
8:30 – M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 – Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30 – My Two Baghdads
10:00 – Diagnosis: Heresy
FRIDAYS:
8:00 – Judge Laden
8:30 – Funniest Super 8 Home Movies
9:00 – Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionare
9:30 – Achmeds Creek
10:00 – No-witness News
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills arent distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels … I write, Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.
On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off). Thats how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
On Cripes:
My wifes from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like Cripes. For Cripes sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh of the church of Holy Moly? Im not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck?
On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We cant help it. We just wake up and we want you.
And the women are thinking, How can he want me the way I look in the morning? Its because we cant see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
On Pregnancy:
Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, Oh my God. Hes kicking! Do you wanna feel it?
I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! Its weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I dont do that when I have gas. Oh my God … give me your hand … It wont be long now …
On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, Sexy Senior Citizen.
You dont want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
On Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner?
Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece Ill take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I dont think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they dont want to run, they can rest in the chair thats hooked up to the generator.
On Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice theres always like 18% that say, I dont know.
It costs 90 cents to call up and vote … Theyre voting, I dont know.
Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DONT KNOW! (Hangs up looking proud.)
Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe youre not sure about.
This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, Im not in the mood.
On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someones answering machine? Hi, its a great day and Im out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love. Beep.
Uh, yeah … this is the VD clinic calling … Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.
(Attributed to Andy Rooney)
My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the lottery. He said Screw it, I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could snap.