Old and New Jokes

WHY ? ……

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing?

7. Why does fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

8. Why do tug boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing Take me out to the ball game when we are already there?

10. Why are they called stands when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it call after dark when it really is after light ?

12. Doesnt expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

14. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Arent we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Una pareja fue a un pozo de los deseos. El marido se inclinó, pidió un deseo en silencio, y tiró una moneda.

Siguió el turno de la esposa, pero cuando ella se inclinó sobre el borde del pozo, perdió el equilibrio y cayó. El marido estaba sorprendido, pero después sonrió y dijo, ¡Caramba, realmente funciona!

A un recién graduado de la escuela de pilotos de Miami lo ponen de copiloto en un viaje a San Juan. Cuando el vuelo va a mitad de camino, le da un ataque al corazon al piloto y se muere. El copiloto coge el microfono y llama a la torre de control.

Vuelo 201 a la torre de control.

Adelante vuelo 201.

Chico mira, te habla el copiloto, al piloto le dio un ataque al corazón y está muerto, y este es mi primer viaje y no se como aterrizar el avión.

No se preocupe, usted digame altura y posición y nosotros lo haremos desde aquí por el piloto automático.

YO MIDO 5,7 Y ESTOY SENTADO AL LADO DEL PILOTO MUERTO.

Alternative Medical Terms

————————- Benign…………….What you be after you be eight.

Artery…………….The study of paintings.

Bacteria…………..Back door to cafeteria.

Barium…………….What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section……A neighborhood in Rome.

Cat scan……………Searching for kitty.

Cauterize………….Made eye contact with her.

Colic……………..A sheep dog.

Coma………………A punctuation mark.

D & C……………..Where Washington is.

Dilate…………….To live long.

Enema……………..Not a friend.

Fester…………….Quicker than someone else.

Fibula…………….A small lie.

Genital……………Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series………..World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail…………..What you hang your coat on.

Impotent…………..Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain…………Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff………A Doctors cane.

Morbid…………….A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates…………..Cheaper than day rates.

Node………………Was aware of

Outpatient…. …….A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear….. …….A fatherhood test.

Pelvis…………….Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative……..A letter carrier.

Recovery Room………Place to do upholstery.

Rectum…………….Darn near killed him.

Secretion………….Hiding something.

Seizure……………Roman emperor.

Tablet…………….A small table.

Terminal Illness……Getting sick at the Bus Station

Tumor……………..More than one.

Urine……………..Opposite of youre out.

Varicose…………..Near by/close by.

Vein………………Conceited.

A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for 7 years. Then they could only say 2 words. The first 7 years passed and they went into a small room. His 2 words were too cold.

The next 7 years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were bad food.



The next 7 years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were I quit.



Good they said, all you have done is complain.

Top 10 Things Not to say to a Cop when you are PULLED OVER:

10. Back off Barney, Ive got a piece.

9. Wanta race to the station, Sparky?

8. I know I was weaving, but I cant find the Honeycomb Hideout!

7. On the way to the station lets get a twelve pack.

6. Youll never get those cuffs on me…You Wimp!

5. Come on write the freaking ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

4. Hey, wasnt your daughter a pork queen?

3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?



And the Number One Thing You Shouldnt Say to a Cop:



1. Im surprised you stopped me, Robins Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Bigfoot has been spotted.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dogs face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Something for all the animal lovers. 🙂

Accurately telling the weather is an ongoing challenge. Here is a sure-fire method guaranteed to produce consistent results if followed faithfully:

Go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, its probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dogs fur looks like its been rubbed the wrong way, its probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, its probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,

The Cat

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great
time, when one of them realized she hadnt heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in
fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of
them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, What the hecks going on up here? Were having a great time downstairs! One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered….. YEAH, BUT YOUVE GOT A DRIVER