29
Jan

The Taxi Ride.

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.

The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, Look friend, dont EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!

The passenger apologizes and says he didnt realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together replied, Sorry, its not really your fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver – Ive been driving hearses for the last 25 years!

29
Jan

Negotiation

One day in the garden of Eden Adam says to God, Lord I appreciate all that you have created here already, but still I feel alone.To which the Lord replied Well, Adam, heres what Ill do, I will create you a companion who will be loving, supportive, who will be eager to please you and cater to your every whim, best of all she will be always be as slender and beautiful as the day you first saw her. All I will need to do this is four toes, two fingers, three ribs, your right eye, your left testicle and all your hair.Adam thinks about this for a moment then says That sounds really great, but what could I get for a rib?

29
Jan

Harrassment

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she cant stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisors office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says whats wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, Hes a midget!

29
Jan

Create your own internet hype

Pick one word from each column to form your very own Net Hype Term.

Use it liberally in conversation and in magazine articles. Make it into an acronym.

Call up customer support lines and ask about it. Post about it on irrelevant Usenet newsgroups. Pretend that you know what it means.

Bonus points if Wired Magazine writes a gushy article about it.

A:B:C:
interactivemultimediasuite
highspeedserverarchitecture
networkede-mailengine
revolutionaryrealitygroup
visionaryprotocolsite
virtualsoftwareagent
the WELLschatnewsgroup
Mondocommunicationsnetwork
intelligentparallelCD-ROM
onlinemodemagent
real-timeinformationteleconference

29
Jan

Have a stealth Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense,
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.

When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter,
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter,
I dialed up the gain and then quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

And there found the source of the warning wed heeded,
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
Alert status red! went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant FIRE!

On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters — lets send the whole flock!
Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged,
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.

So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea,
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleighbells, white hair, and a deers parachute.

Now it isnt quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas cant hope to evade,
All the web of defenses weve carefully made.

Just look how the gadgets we use to protect us,
In other ways alter, transform, and affect us.
They keep us from things that make life more worth living,
Like love for each other, and thoughts of just giving.

But a crash programs on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So lets wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santas coming by stealth!

29
Jan

Christmas carols with a twist – Deck The Halls

See that drag queen his names Molly.

Fa La La La La La La La La

For 50 bucks hell make you jolly.

Fa La La La La La La La La

See him in his gay apparel.

Fa La La La La La La La La

You should meet his brother Carol.

Fa La La La La La La La La

29
Jan

Pink Parts

One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.

Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo.

Dont cry, little one., replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldnt do, but if he saw the wizard, hed fix things up for him.

So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quite pleased with herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant.

The witch asked him why he was crying. Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo.

Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.

All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldnt do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.

At this point, the elephant just started wailing. I dont know where the wizard is, he sobbed.

Oh thats easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad, said the good witch.

29
Jan

Santa Singh

A GOOD ONE… enjoy. There was this case in the hospitals Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil…….. Just when the clock struck 11…. Scroll down for what happened… Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

28
Jan

Q: How many Changing

Q: How many Changing lightbulbs-joke writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two hundred, and dont ask why because they havent–figured that out yet.

28
Jan

Pastors Ass

A priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as
well go ahead and enter it in the races.

To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PRIESTS ASS SHOWS.

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read:

PASTORS ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTORS ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer
for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it
could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.