The party of the first part (herein referred to as she) being of sound mind
and fairly good body, agrees
to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as him)
1. FULL DISCLOSURE:
At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the
first date or match up), each party grees to fully disclose any current
girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs,
phobias, fears, social diseases, strange, political affiliations, or
currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been
terminated. Further each party agrees to make known any deep-seated
mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets,
careers, or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will
result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has
a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS:
Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison
(colloquially referred to as the matchmaker) blameless in the event the
fix-up turns out to be a real loser or psycho bitch.
(For definition of real loser, see John DeLorean: My Story, available
at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos parties; or
any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For
definition of psycho bitch, see Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, or
Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.)
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP:
Should said relationship proceed past the first fix-up both parties
mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said
dating: For the first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say
they are going out. (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of
exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say
they are seeing somebody and may be referred to by third parties as
an item. Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date
either member may elect to use the terms girl/ boyfriend or lover and
their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as a couple. Under no
circumstances are the phrases my better half, the little woman, the
old ball and chain, or my old man/lady acceptable. Further, if both
members of the party consent, this timetable may be speeded up; however,
if either party gets too serious and disregards this schedule, the
other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of moving too
fast and may once again be said to be on the market.
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY:
For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask questions
about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday
periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties
agree they have no rights or holds on the others time. Following the
first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be
missing in action without explanation, the wounded party agrees to
give up.
5. DATING ETIQUETTE:
For the first thirty (30) days both members of the couple agree to be
overly considerate of the others work pressures, schedules, and business
ambitions. A minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made between
the two parties during the working day, and each party will attempt – with
best efforts – to originate 50% of the phone calls. Additionally, for the
first two weeks all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours
in advance; there will be no running off in the middle of the night to
console an old girl/boyfriend, and both parties agree to strike the phrase
but he/she needs me from their vocabulary. Further, during the
first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt at
least one spontaneous home cooked meal and will arrange the delivery of
at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five
(45) days both parties will return to their normal personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT:
It is agreed that – respective gross income aside – we will pick up the
tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:
(a) He considers her suitably impressed,
(b) we are broke, or
(c) He says, this is ridiculous, you pay!.
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom,
which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at
the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as Why do I bother to keep my
own apartment?):
Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more
then five nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the
time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both
sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates.
Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7: 30 in the
morning, and both agree to pick up after himself while in residence at the
other apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and
assisting with household duties. (By the same token, she agrees to respect
his right to keep his apartment a mess.)
8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD:
For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the
other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like Lets move in together,
Why dont we start a family? and — using archaic terminology — Lets
get married. Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and
defend the other partys right not to meet his parents.
9. THE L WORD:
For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree not to use the phrase I
love you. They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a
particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party
to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the G word…
Gone.
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION:
Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final
dissolution of said relationship:
(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
(b) Ending any argument with the sentence My ex used to do that same thing;
(c) Suggesting – no matter how kindly – that the other member should seek help;
(d) ending any argument with the phrase My analyst thinks you are…; and
(e) complaining more than twice about the contents (or lack thereof)
of the other partys refrigerator.
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH:
At the time of breakup each party reserves the right to make the other feel
guilty by using one or all of the following phrases:
(a) Youll never find anybody better;
(b) Nobody could ever make you happy;
(c) Ill find somebody who can really appreciate me; and
(d) My analyst thinks you are…. (Psychosis to be filled in at
the proper time.)
12. MISCELLANEOUS:
(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes
notice before terminating said relationship;
(b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the
relationship appear to be on the rocks;
(c) at the termination of said affair:
(1) both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts,
books, record albums, door keys, personal undergarments with all due haste
through impartial intermediary;
(2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging
in sex with any of the others friends;
(3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of
at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to
use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup:
The timing wasnt right;
He/She wanted more than I could give;
He/She was too involved in his/her career;
He/She decided to go back with his/her
(a) girl/boyfriend;
(b) last lover;
(c) hometown;
(d) therapist.
13. ADDENDUM:
After the initial breakup – no matter what – both parties agree to give the
relationship one more shot.