Old and New Jokes

A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. Shes sat on the chair next to the doctor, and shes very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted.

What sort of perversion are you talking about? asks the doctor.

Well, said the woman, I like to be… Ohh… Ah… Ummm… Im sorry doctor, but Im too ashamed to talk about it.

Come, come, my dear. Im a doctor you know; Ive been trained to understand these problems. So whats the matter…?

So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea.

Look, he said, Im a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, Ill show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a deal?

The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause, she said, Well my perversion is… My perversion… Oh… I like to be kissed on the bottom!

Shit, is that ALL! said the doctor. Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and Ill come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!

So the woman does as she is told and undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself, Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum.

Anyway, five minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself. Hey! shouted the woman, I thought you said you were a pervert?

Oh I am, said the doctor, Ive just shit in your handbag!

A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path.

Oh, dear, the lady said, come on, Ill clean you! She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying, Be careful next time!

She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way. Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with the same problem.

Now Ive had it! She whinned. What have you all been doing? And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale and tended the duck.

She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. Hey, you, lady! sounded a male voice in distress.

Yes? she replied.

Do you have a Kleenex?

No, not anymore, she answered.

Too bad. I guess Ill just have to use another duck.

http://chucklesofchoice.com

Well, hello there, little boy. Whats your name?

Morris.

Morris? Morris what? Whats your last name?

My last name? Uh….oh, I know: Morris Stop That Immediately.

Pillow talk in Missouri: Has sex been outlawed?

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) – Birds do it. Bees do it. But Missourians arent allowed to do it, according to some interpretations of a new state law.

I dont know what they were trying to say, but I know that what they did say seems to outlaw sex altogether, said David Foster, director of the writing lab a the University of Missouri-Kansas City.

Others disagree. One legislator says it legalizes homosexual sex and outlaws nonconsensual sex. Another says it outlaws homosexual sex and nonconsensual sex.

The law, which took effect Aug. 28, says: A person commits the crime of sexual misconduct in the first degree if he has deviate sexual intercourse with another person of the same sex, or he purposely subjects another person to sexual contact or engages in conduct which would constitute sexual contact except that the touching occurs through the clothing without that persons consent.

Attorney Dan Viets wrote about the statute in the fall issue of the Missouri Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers newsletter, saying it appears to outlaw any purposeful sexual contact.

House Speaker bob Griffin says the only way the sentence makes sense is if the reader applies the without that persons consent phrase to all three parts of the sentence. In that case, gay sex between consenting adults would be legal, Griffin said.

Thats the only way you can read it, he said. It doesnt make any sense in the scheme of human nature that it would read otherwise.

But state Sen. Larry Rohrbach, a Republican, says the law explicitly prohibits gay sex.

I dont think theres a problem with the law as its written, he said.

Most Missourians need not fear.

The Missouri Supreme Court plans to release new instructions that would make it clear that the law applies only to sex without consent, said Cole County Prosecutor Richard Callahan.

An avid golfer dies and goes to heaven. He is met by St. Peter who tells him,
Welcome to Heaven. I know you will be pleased to know that this is the best
golf course in the universe! The mans eyes turn cloudy.

St. Peter says, And the weather here is always good. A tear begins to form in
the mans eye.

St. Peter says, And there is never any lines of people when you want to golf.
A tear starts dropping from the mans other eye.

St. Peter hurriedly says, And your drives go at least 50 yards further up
here. The man is now sniffling.

St. Peter then says, And you will never have more than two puts on any of the
greens. The man is now sobbing uncontrollably.

St. Peter asks, Hey, what is the matter with you? I thought you would be
overjoyed. Why the tears?

The man answers, If my wife had not fed me all those healthy food, I would have
been here five years earlier!

I havent spoken to my wife for 18 months, I dont like to interrupt her.

Three guys are travelling across the country. Their car breaks down in
the middle of nowhere, so they get out and start walking. They come
across this farm, so they go up, knock on the door, and the farmer comes
to the door and they explain their predicament to him. The farmer says
he will drive them into town tomorrow, but they will have to wait until
the morning, because everything in town is closed at this late hour.
The farmer then offers them food, and lets them sleep in the garage.
Before they go to sleep, the farmer comes out and tells them, My daughter
is a nymphomaniac. If I hear any one of you even thinking about f*cking her,
I will blow your brains out. The farmer then leaves and goes to bed.

About 2:00am one of the guys wakes up. The temptation is too great for him.
He goes into the house and walks slowly up the stairs. About half way up
the stairs, he hits a loose board. CREAK!!! Immediately the farmer wakes up.

Whos there? the farmer cries.

The first guy doesnt make a sound. Then he has an idea! meow….. meow…

Pretty soon, the farmer goes back to sleep, the guy finishes climbing
the stairs, and f*cks the daughter until his hearts content. He then
goes back to the barn, completely satisfied. The second guy looks at him
and says, well?

Oh, man. She was awesome. Best I ever had.

So the second guy starts heading toward the house. The first guy says,
By the way, if you hit the loose stair, just pretend youre a pussy-cat.

So, as the second guy climbs the stairs… CREAK! Whos there?
meow… meow…, and f*cks til his hearts content.

When he gets back to the barn, the third guy looks over and says… well?

Awesome. Best Ive ever had.

So the third guy decides he will take his shot at the farmers nymphomaniac.
He goes into the house, and creeps slowly up the stairs. CREAK! Whos
there??? Who is it?

In a very low, meek voice, the third guy says…its just a littly
pussy-cat.

Give me a break! I didnt say it was a good joke!

Michael Burtz

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Q: How many managing editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You were supposed to have changed that lightbulb last week!

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.