Old and New Jokes

A panda walks into a bar and orders a packet of nuts. When hes finished, he pulls out a gun and shoots the barman.Later on the police make an enquiry, but noone saw it. Once again the panda comes in along with some regulars. He orders another pack of nuts, eats them, shoots the barman and walks out. The next day when one of the regulars saw the panda he asked why he shot both barmen. The panda took out a dictionary and pointed at panda.It said: Panda:eats shoots and leaves

What do you call a blonde in a freezer?

A frosted Flake!

Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? Whats the very bad news?

Doctor: Ive been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They cant. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.

Q: How many folklorists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.

A pretty young college student visited her professors office after class. She glanced down the hall, closed his door and knelt before him. I would do anything to pass this exam, she said.

Leaning closer,she whispered seductively, I mean, anything.



He looked down at her and said,anything?



Anything she replied again.



His Voice softenend. Anything, he repeated.



She smiled, and again said, anything.



His voice turned into a whisper. Would….You…..Study???

In a startling announcement, Pat Robertson reveals that a careful
reading of the Book of Revelation indicates that the appointed day for
the rapture has already come and gone.

Apparently, said a spokesman, God decided not to take anyone
except Madelyn Murray OHair.

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasnt at her feet. She found him in his bed sleeping. She called his name, but he didnt get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldnt wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, Your dog is dead. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked arund the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, Your dog is dead. She was like Ok, how much do I owe you? The doctor said $300She said, What!?!? How could it cost that much??He said $15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?" "Both son, both." The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"