06
May

Una noche dos borrachos que

Una noche dos borrachos que venían por la calle se detuvieron por la esquina al ver pasar una mujer riquisima, a la cual miraron con deseo. Uno de ellos sugiere al otro violarla, ya que se caía de buena. Le dice: Mireeee compaaadre yo traigo una pistola, ussss… ted le apunta (hick) y lo me la hecho.

Pero el compadre replicó: ¡Ehh! ¿que te pasa? yoooo no quiero ir después que usted.

Pues mira, esto se resuelve fácil, yo por atrás y usted por delante y luego cambiamos, y asi la llevamos…

Y así lo hacen, amagan a la damisela en cuestión y la amenazan de matarla si no se deja, Casualmente, se trataba de un travesti, que accedió gustasamente a la petición.

Uno de los compadres se la atora por atrás, y al gay, por la excitación, se le paró su pene.

El otro compadre lo abre de piernas para darle por delante, y se sorprende de ver tal cosa, voltea a ver a su compadre y le dice:

¡Oye compadre, échate tantito para atrás!

06
May

I have great news for you

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, I have great news for you. Pretty soon, were going to be three in this house instead of two.

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, Im glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.

06
May

Orange Juice

Did you hear about the blonde who was staring at a frozen orange juice container because it said concentrate?

06
May

Little Jane climbs a tree…

Little Jane came home from school and said, Mommy mommy guess what? These boys wanted me to climb up a tree, so I did.

Her mom said, You dont be a doin that! Those boys just wanted to see your panties!

Ok mommy, little Jane said.

The next day at school, the boys asked her to do it again, so she did, and at the end of the day she told her mom and her mom said, I told you not to be a doin that! Those boys just wanted to look at your panties!

Little Jane looked at her mother and said, Dont worry, mommy. I was smart this time… I didnt wear any panties.

06
May

Xmas top ten rejected holiday specials

Rejected Holiday Specials

As presented on the 12/10/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Gallagher Smashes Melons in Bethlehem
A Creepy, Creepy Christmas with Michael Jackson
Fox TVs When Reindeer Attack!
A Country Holiday with Martha Stewart and a Bunch of Actors Pretending to Be Her Family
The Grinch Who Nailed Mrs. Claus
Christmas at Rikers Island: Its A Wonderful 10-Years-to-Life
Bob Dole Remembers the Very First Christmas
Skunk n Gators Holiday Fiesta
The President Who Ate Christmas
Richard Simmons Fruitcake Extravaganza

06
May

The dumb blonde and her used car!

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but its not legal.

That doesnt matter, replied the blonde, if I only can sell the car.

Okay, said the brunette. Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, Did you sell your car?

No, replied the blonde, why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!

06
May

If Jesus were born today

Child advocates would remove the child from the custody of his mother when they discovered she was shacking with a guy (not the childs father) in a barn. In most jurisdictions that would constitute child neglect.

Of course, Mary would have an underpaid court appointed attorney to represent her in the dependent-neglect proceeding, and Joseph would be out of luck once it was determined that paternity could not be established within a reasonable degree of medical certainty through blood or DNA testing (97% probability that Joe was the dad is sufficient, but absent divine intervention, that couldnt happen, hmmm?).

He would be excluded from juvenile court as a stranger to the proceeding and investigated for possible sexual deviance (all those oxen and asses around), and he would be told that he had no standing to object since he was not the natural father of the child and was not yet married to Mary (by their own admissions they had not yet consummated their union).

The Division of Children and Family Services would ask the court to order Mary to take parenting classes, and the Court would order that homemaker services be provided as well, since obviously Mary cant keep house properly (the place where the DHS workers found the child was kept remarkably like a barn).

Mary would be allowed to have one visit with Jesus per week at the Centers for Youth and Families. The visit would be one hour long, and supervised by a therapist since Jesus would no doubt be put in therapeutic foster care to prevent psychological damage resulting from the horrible lack of civilization to which he had been exposed at such a tender age.

At the eighteen month dispositional hearing, the court would consider terminating parental rights because of Marys refusal to bring a paternity suit against Jesus true biological father (or even to identify him to the satisfaction of the Court).

The Court would be appalled at the life choices Mary would have made: she would have completed her marriage to Joseph (that suspected sexual deviant) and had more children by him, which was obviously contrary to Jesus best interest.

Since Mary and Joseph had fled the jurisdiction with Jesus once to escape encounters with the authorities, they would determine that Mary and Joe had nefarious plans to abscond with the Ward of the State to Egypt again, where they would possibly engage in dangerous and illegal activities with him. Parental rights would be terminated, and Jesus would be put up for adoption.

He would be adopted by the Herods, a well-connected and politically powerful family, who have been searching for just such a child as Jesus.

Of course, Jesus will die in the custody of his adoptive family, because thats all they wanted him for in the first place. Social services will NOT have intervened prior to his death because the state social workers could never imagine someone as highly placed as the Herods exploiting children or torturing them to death.

The political ramifications for the Herods would have been too severe. In all likelihood, the social service agencies would cover up the death as one occurring from accident, and Herods good name will be preserved.

05
May

Mistaken Identity

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, You dont feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?

05
May

Prostitute at bar

A man stops off at a bar after work to have a couple of drinks. He starts talking to this woman, and even though the guy is married, he thinks she is so fine that he agrees to go back to her place.

When he gets to her place, he finds out that she is a prostitute and that she wants $75.

Forget it, the man says, you never told me you were a prostitute. But I do have $10 on me, will you take that?

You wont get any decent prostitute for that, the hooker says. She throws the guy out.

Later that night, the man and his wife go out to dinner. While they are eating, the same prostitute who happens to also be eating there recognizes the guy.

She comes up to him and says, See, I told you. Look at the kind of trash youll pick up for $10.

05
May

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