Old and New Jokes

Your momma is so fat . . .

She was the first person to go around the world in 80 meals.

It doesnt matter whether you win or lose, until you lose.

Q. Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?A. Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They dont walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They dont ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they dont get). What more could any of us males ask for?Q. Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?A. As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I dont see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.Q. Why do men like younger women?A. Well, lets see. Besides the fact that they like older men, theyre easily impressed. Theyre also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. Theres also less evidence of gravitys handy work on their bodies.Q. Why do men like older women?A. Actually, men just like women period. Age actually has very little to do with anything. Unless the particular woman in question resembles Yoda, other factors such as availability or proximity take much more precedence.Q. How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?A. Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. Im a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should accept us and love us despite our inherent weakness.Q. Why do men act like they own the remote control?A. What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awes

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: YES! or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, Yes, dear.

Inappropriate responses include:

Oh Yeah
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: Of course not! Among the incorrect answers are:

Compared to what?
I wouldnt call you fat, but youre not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
Ive seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think shes prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: Of course not! Incorrect responses include:

Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you when you were her age
Define pretty
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is Buy a Corvette and a Boat.) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not; dont you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldnt you remarry?

MAN: Okay, Id get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She cant use them; shes left-handed

WOMAN: – – – silence – – –

MAN: Oh my.

Men are like a fine wine.

They all start out like grapes, and its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something youd want to have dinner with.

Q. How do you Scare a Man?

A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving.

Q. What do you do with a man who thinks hes Gods gift to women?

A. Exchange him.

Q. Whats a mans idea of a perfect date?

A. A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.

Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. Whats the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. How do you get a man to exercise?

A. Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A. We dont know. Its never happened.

Q. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

A. Because, even back then men wouldnt stop to ask for directions.

Q. What is a mans idea of safe sex?

A. A padded headboard.

Q. Men are like vacations….

A. they never seem to be long enough.

Q. Men are like computers….

A. hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Q. Men are like coolers….

A. load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Q. Men are like horoscopes….

A. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Q. Men are like plungers….

A. they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Q. Men are like laxatives….

A. they irritate the shit out of you.

Q. Men are like parking spots….

A. the good ones are already taken and whats left is handicapped.

Q. How does a man show hes planning for the future?

A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. Why are men like lawnmowers?

A. Theyre hard to get started, emit foul odors and dont work half the time.

Q. Why are men like tile floors?

A. If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for 20 years.

Q. Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?

A. Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

Q. What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?

A. How come?

Q. Whats the definition of a teenager?

A. Gods punishment for enjoying sex.

Q. Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?

A. Theyll never see you coming.

Q. What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?

A. S&M&M.

Q. What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?

A. Both capture the moment.

Q. Define Transvestite:

A. A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?

A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q. What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?

A. A scrotum pole!

Q. Whats the ultimate in rejection?

A. When youre masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Why dont debutantes go to orgies?

A. Thered be too many thank you notes to write.

Q. What is every Amish womans private fantasy?

A. Two Mennonite!

Q. Why is sex like a game of bridge?

A. If you have a good hand, you dont need a partner.

Q. Can you say three two letter words that denote small?

A. Is it in?

Q. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A. A bingo machine.

Q. Whats the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?

A. One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One … Men will screw anything.

Psychological Christmas Songs

SCHIZOPHRENIA – Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY – We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA – I Think Ill Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC – Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town …or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA – Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER – You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry,

Im Gonna Pout, then MAYBE Ill tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE – Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell….

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY – Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE – On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me…

(and then took it all away).

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God….

Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call. Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows95.

Im going to do something Ive never done before. In your case, Im going to let you decide where you want to go.

Well, whats the difference between the two? Bill asks.

God says, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.

Fine, but where should I go first?

Ill leave that up to you.

Okay, then, says Bill. Let me try Hell first.

So Bill goes to Hell. Its a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect.

He is very pleased. This is great! he tells God. If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!

Fine, says God, and off they go.

Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. Its nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. Hmm. I think Id prefer Hell, he tells God.

Fine, replies God. As you desire.

So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

Hows everything going? he asks Bill.

Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?

Oh … that was the SCREENSAVER.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gilda!
Gilda who!
Gilda umpire!

Pedrito que llega a su casa y le dice al padre:

Papá, papá, la profesora en el colegio me ha cambiado el nombre y en vez de decirme Pedrito me dice Piter.

Y le dice el padre:

Pues cada vez que te diga Piter tu le dices puta.

Al día siguiente en el colegio empieza la preofesora a pasar lista y dice:

Rigodon.

Presente.

Tinkiwinki.

Presente.

Piter.

PUTA.

¡Repite!

¡REPUTA!

A man is in court. The Judges says,on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?



Guilty, said the man in the dock.



At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted You dirty rat! The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.



The Judge continued ….. and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?



Guilty, said the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, You dirty rotten stinking rat!!



At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?



He replied He is my next door neighbor.

The Judge replied, I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments.



The man replied NO, your Honor, you dont understand.

Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didnt have one!!!