Old and New Jokes

. . . and then Marie Antoinette says
operator, Ive been cut off.

(Ive heard this story several times, but Im damned if I can
remember who these Generals were. Nevertheless, here goes:)

Two Generals of the Napoleanic era were watching a battle from a
nearby bluff. Suddenly, a stray bullet struck one of them in the
shoulder. Without an instants pause, he turned to his aide – Fetch
me my red jacket, he commanded. As the aide rushed to comply, he
turned to the other General, and explained that he didnt want the
men to be demoralized by knowing he was wounded.

The other General was clearly impressed. At that moment, a
cannonball shrieked between them, the wind from its passing rocking
them both back on their heels. After a moment, the second General
turned to his aide, and ordered, Fetch me my brown trousers …

= Martin A. Lodahl Pac Bell Minicomputer Operations Support Staff =

Why do girls have to where a cup when they skydive?

So they dont whistle!

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and says Hey bartender give me a beer.

The bartender says – Im sorry we dont serve food here.

(Ive been making a collection of peoples mis-rememberences of movie
titles and making up descriptions of what the movies would be like if
they really existed. Here are a few examples:)

8 1/2 WEEKS–Considered by some to be Fellinis masterpiece.
A filmmaker is resting at a health spa and trying to write a new movie.
He is distracted, however, by his visions of whips, strawberries, and
a mysterious woman in white.

NATIONAL BLUE VELVET–Elizabeth Taylor plays a young woman
with a strange attraction to horses. Dennis Hopper plays the wacky,
demented jockey.

MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET–Santa Claus, in the off season, follows
his hearts desire and tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa
sings and dances his way into your heart.

COLOR ME PURPLE–Whoopi Goldberg was nominated for an
Academy Award ™ for her part as a carnival face painter.

THE JAGGED RAZORS EDGE–This was made as a training film
for pubescent teens who are learning how to shave, but it contains
so much blood and gore that it is now considered a camp horror
classic. Look for the sequels, FACES OF DEATH, LEGS OF DEATH and
UNDERARMS OF DEATH.

Billy Green
Carrboro, NC

[This came up at dinner one night with my sister the nurse, her
boyfriend the doctor, and my sister the medical administrator. – pf]

Ive heard it said that the way to pick a barber in a barbershop is
to choose the one with the worst haircut–they cut each others hair.

How then should one select a psychiatrist in a clinic?

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams.

He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpses rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing On the road again …Just cant wait to get on the road again …

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

Look at this. This is really something! the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

On the road again … Just cant wait to get on the road again …

So what? – the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the students discovery.

But isnt that the most amazing thing youve ever seen? asked the student.

Are you kidding? replied the Examiner, Any asshole can sing country music.

Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Arabian are sitting in a bar.

The Englishman says, Ive got ten children, one more and Ill have a football team.



The Welshman says, Ive got fourteen children, one more and Ill have a rugby team.



The Arabian says, Ive got seventeen wives, one more and Ill have a golf course.

Youve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they dont even have shoes.