Old and New Jokes

One day a priest and a nun went golfing.

The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy
put. He shouted, Damn, missed again.

The nun, shocked, warned him God will get you for that.

The next hole the same thing occurred. After the preist screamed God Damn
It! Missed again the nun repeated her
warning God will get you for that!

On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun
could repeat her warning, a bolt of lightning came down from the heavens
and struck the nun dead.

A deep voice from the clouds boomed out God Damn It! Missed again!.

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmers field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, Were they ALL dead?

The old farmer replied, Well, some of them said they werent, but you know how them politicians lie.

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the mans testicles. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the it with an onion.

Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.

Hows your sex life? the doctor asked.

Pretty good, but Ive had some strange side effects.

Like what? the doctor asked anxiously.

Well, every time I piss my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hotdog stand, I get a hard-on.

Why did the carload of lesbians get to San Francisco faster than the carload of gays?

The lesbians got there lickety-split, while the gays where still packing there shit.

Q: How many antelopes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.

Q: How many Jo Brands does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, you give it to a bloody man to do, cos its a piece of cake, isnt it? Well, no, actually, that expression is crap isnt it, because if you had a piece of cake, youd bloody well eat it, wouldnt you?

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nurse!

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow Id be a little bull.

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!

The kid smiles and says, I would be a bus driver!

¿En qué se parecen los hombres a los robots?

En que no tienen cerebro, no saben hacer nada sin las instrucciones oportunas, son muy artificiales y cuando no valen para nada, los tiras a reciclar y los cambias por uno más eficiente.

The Roslin lab in Scotland is scheduled for a government budget cut.
But that wont have much effect, says Michael X. Ferraro. Once
youve cloned sheep, its not that difficult to counterfeit money.