Old and New Jokes

Two Chinese tourists were visiting USA. After some rambling, they got rather hungry.

The first said, Id love to eat some dog.

The second Me, too! And look at that sign! It says, HOT DOGS!

The other Chinese flicks through his English-Chinese dictionary and is confirmed that they serve dog there. They both walk into the shop and order hot dogs.

After receiving their meals, the first Chinese looks between the bun and goes all white. He stares at his friend and asks, Which part of the dogs anatomy did YOU get?

Una niña de cinco años se encontraba llorando amargamente en una banqueta. Un señor, al percatarse del drama que estaba haciendo la niña, se acerca y le pregunta:

¿Oye, niña, por qué estás llorando? ¿Acaso estás perdida?

No, responde la chiquilla.

¿Alguien te pegó?, insiste el caballero.

No.

Entonces, ¿qué te pasa?

Es que ya no soy vidgen

¿Cómo que ya no eres virgen? ¿Qué diablos te hicieron?, demanda, con cara de asombro, el tipo.

Es que me sacaron de la pastodela.

Why is a lawyer worse than a tapeworm?

because a lawyer continues sucking you even when you are dead!

After Christmas break, the teacher asked her small pupils how they spent their holidays.



One small boys reply went like this:



We always spent Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarted and they moved to Arizona.



They go to a big building they call a wrecked hall. But if it was wrecked, it is fixed now. They play games there and do exercises, but they dont do them very well.



There is a swimming pool and they go to it and just stand in the water with their hats on. I guess they dont know how to swim. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks there. They all go to fastfood restaurants.



As you come into the park, there is a doll house with a man sitting in it. He watches all day so they cant get out without him seeing them. They wear badges with their names on them. I guess they dont know who they are.



My Grandma said Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back home, but I guess the man in the doll house wont let them out.

This guy enters a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looked like a nice place and he then takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. This is a nice place. Ive never been here before, the first guy says.

Oh really? the other replies, Its also a very special bar.

Why is that? the first guy asks.

Well, you see that painting on the far wall? Thats an original Van Gogh, and this stool Im sitting on was on the Titanic.

Gee, thats amazing! the first guy says.

Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, youll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and youre pushed back up.

No way, thats impossible, the first guy replies.

Not at all, take a look, the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10… 20… 30… 40… 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

See, its fun. You should try it, he says.

Try it? I dont even believe I saw it! the first man shouts.

Its easy. Watch, Ill do it again. And with that, he falls out the window, again. He drops 10… 20… 30… 40… 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!…he comes right back up and sails back through the window.

Go ahead, give it a try, its a blast! he says.

Well, what the heck, OK…Ill give it a try, the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10… 20… 30… 40… 50… 100 feet and THUMP!!!!… ends up with a broken arm and leg on the sidewalk below.

After calmly watching the first man fall, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, You know, Superman, youre a real jerk when youre drunk!

A: Data transfer.

Theres a group of teens walking through the forest, and they come upon a hole in the ground. They look down and notice how big it is, so one of them throws down a pebble… but they dont hear anything. So they throw down a bigger rock, but they still dont hear anything. So they all pushed a huge boulder into the hole, but still, they didnt hear anything… they finally found a train tie and pushed it into the hole when all of a sudden, a goat came running into the forest, bleated then jumped right into the hole. They all looked at each other totally confused remarking how wierd that was. Then a man came running out of the forest, and cried, have you seen my goat? he was tied to a train tie

Morris had just been hired as the new Director of a large high tech corporation. The Director who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes…#1, #2, #3. Open these if you run up against a problem you dont think you can solve, the departing Director said.Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but 6 months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, Blame your predecessor. Morris, the new Director, called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous Director. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the Director quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, Reorganize. This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, Prepare three envelopes.

As a little girl climbed onto Santas lap, Santa asked the usual, And what would you like for Christmas?

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: Didnt you get my E-mail?

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.



In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.



In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.



I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.



I found an exciting girl, but I couldnt keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.



Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!