These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, Theyre more than meets the eye.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
A survey on sexual habits was being carried out by a popular newspaper and one questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman in the street who was wearing a black suit and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse.
Oh, about half a dozen times a year, said the gentleman. The questioner smiled.
I thought you Italians were supposed to be sexy! she said.
We are, said the gentleman. But, I dont think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a seventy-two year old priest with no car
A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South Florida which will replace the traditional call of FORE.
Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call GORE while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again.
The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole.
This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but proponents say it is only fair.
A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and the first hole only took 19 days to complete.
When the Captain spoke over the intercom system, the passengers were surprised to hear a womans voice. Not to worry … Im a fully qualified pilot and can fly this aircraft better than any man! If youd like to see me in action; once the fasten seat belt sign is turned off, feel free to unbuckle your seat belt, stroll down the aisle and join me in the cuntpit.
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made Tickle me
Elmo dolls. It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told
her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be
stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down
because one worker couldnt keep up. The boss went down the line to find the
problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a
bunch of dolls waiting for her.
Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two
walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.
The boss could not control his laughter and said, Lady, I said to give each
doll Two – Test – Tickles.
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didnt adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
I dont know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, and hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didnt work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didnt want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didnt all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasnt improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldnt take that one either. I didnt bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didnt know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So, I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class. The teacher
said, Lets begin by reviewing some American history.
The teached asked, Who said, Give me Liberty or give me Death? She
saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzukis.
Patrick Henry 1775, he said.
Very good! Who said …government of the people, by the people, for
the people, shall not perish from the earth?
Again, no response, except from Suzuki. Abraham Lincoln, 1863.
The teacher snapped, Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new
to our country, knows more about its history than you do.
She heard a loud whisper, Screw the Japs.
Who said that? she demanded.
Suzuki raised his hand, Lee Iacocca, 1982.
At that point a student said, Im gonna puke.
The teacher glared and asked, All right! Who said that?
Suzuki said, George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.
Furious, another student yelled, Oh yeah? Suck this!
Suzuki jumped up waving his hand and shouted, Bill Clinton, to Monica
Lewinsky, 1997!
With near mob hysteria, someone screamed, You little shit. If you say
anything else, Ill kill you.
Suzuki yelled, Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.
At this, the teacher fainted. The class gathered around her.
One of the kids said, Oh shit, were in big trouble!
Suzuki said, Arthur Andersen, 2002.
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. What can I get you? the
bartender inquires.
I want 6 shots of Jagermeister, responded the young man.
6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?
Yeah, my first blowjob.
Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.
No offence, sir. But if 6 shots wont get rid of the taste, nothing will.
Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
A: He cant give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.