Three guys go up to heaven at the same time, and the head angel says, its been a busy day, so i can only let one of you in. whoever has the best story gets to go in.
the first guy said,i had been suspecting my wife has been cheating on me for the past year, so one day when i went up to the 25th story on our apartment (where I live) i heard her in our room, and i was expecting the worst. i decided to kill the man she was cheating on me with, so i looked out the window, and heres a guy whos hanging from my telephone wire. i hammer his fingers, but he doesnt drop. i decide to throw our refrigerator out the window, so i hoisted it up on my back, and my shirt got caught, and i threw it out the window and i fell out with it.
the second guy said, i was an innocent window washer and i was washing windows when i saw something shiny. i reached out to grab it and the next thing i know im dangeling from a telephone wire. then a freak comes up and started hammering my fingers. i decided not to let go, then a refrigerator drops on me and i die.
the third guy says, Picture me nude in a refrigerator. Enough said.
A: To help the patient find the other side.
This Flight instruction and her student were hold on the runway, awaiting clearance for take off from the tower, when suddenly, a deer darts out of the nearby wood, and stops right in the middle of the runway.
The student asks the instructor, what should he do? The Instruction replies, What do you think you should?
Maybe I should taxi toward the deer?
The instructor replies Thats a good idea!
Tower: Cessna 100 clear for take-off (taxis toward the deer, but the deer just stands there, holding postion)
The student repeats his question, and gets reply this time suggestion he contact the tower: Tower, Cessna 100. There a deer here on the runway!
Tower: Roger 100, hold postion, Deer on Runway 50, cleared for immediate takeoff.
Two seconds later then deer takes off (back toward the woods).
Tower: Cessna 100 cleared for take-off runway 50, caution wake tuburlece, departing deer!
one day george bush is walking in the mountains and
he sees an old man that looks like moses.so bush calls out hey there are you moses?.moses doesnt answer.so bush calls out again and again moses does
not answer.so bush sends his bodyguard over to ask moses the same question.so the guard saysum excuse
me but my boss would like to know,are you moses?
and moses sayslisten im not talking to him cos the last time i spoke to a bush i was wandering in the desert for 40 years
There was an old man in a nursing home who always fell out of his wheelchair. Finally, the nurses decided to do something about it, so they appointed a nurse to watch him all the time. He started to lean foward so the nurse stuck a pillow in front of him. Then he started to lean backward so she stuck a pillow behind him. Then he started to lean to the left so she stuck a pillow to the left of him. Then he leaned to the right and she stuck a pillow to the right of him. Later on that day, his son came to visit him.
Dad, why do you have all those pillows around you?
Well, the nurses around here wont let me fart!"
- Combination paperweight/stapler for Picards desk
- The ball in Parisis Squares
- Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
- Replace Trois broken Chia Pet
- Scare blind students in Braille class
- Prop open doors for maintenance crews
- Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
- Footstool for Captains chair
- Entertaining kids in day care puppet show
- Scare Alexander into doing chores
- Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
- Decorative air filter in Picards fish tank
- Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get ahead in research.
- Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
- Two words: tether ball
- Keep Worfs coffee table from shaking
- Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
- Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class
- Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
- Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy
Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92,94 and 96, and they all lived together.
One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. Was I getting in the tub or out? she yelled.
The 94 year old hollered back, I dont know, Ill come see. She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, Was I going up or coming down?
The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters shook her head and said, I sure hope I never get that forgetful, and knocked on wood for good measure.
Then she yelled, Ill come up and help both of you as soon as I see whos at the door.
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
Youve been such exemplary statues, he announced to them, That Im going to give you a special gift. Im going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want. And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
You still have fifteen more minutes, said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, Great! Only this time…
you hold the pigeon down and Ill crap on its head.
The last words of a chemist:
19. And now keep ith constat at 24 degrees celsius, 25… 26… 27…
20. Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!?
21. I feel it how long 15 seconds are!
Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, two ! One, two ! One, two !