Old and New Jokes

Twas the NET before Christmas
When all through our house,
Not a creature was typing
nor moving a mouse.

Our Monitors hummed
and were glowing within,
In hopes that Saint Nicholas
would soon Modem in.

The teenagers were crashed
in their messy bedrooms,
and dreaming of boxes
With games such as Doom.

Mom back from aerobics
and done kissing me,
We just settled in for some
much needed ZZZs.

When in the home office
there arose such a din,
I shot down the stairs,
Had the fax just come in??

Away to my keyboard
I leaped to my chair,
Typed in my password …
But no Fax was there!!

My screen came alive
it was wildly aglow,
The hard drive went crunching
The One and the O.

When what my bifocaled eyes
should I see,
But a Brand New Web Browser
not AT&T.

From server so rapid
(not one on the slates)
That I thought for a moment
It must be Bill Gates!!

Incoming more quickly
than 14.4 fame,
Screeching, now flashing,
Calling Plug-Ins by name.
Now Java! Now Shockwave! & ReaL Audio!
On Website! On Quicktime! & 3VDO!

To the World Wide Web System
To the great Hackers Ball,
Now Cache away!
Cache away!
Cache away all!!

Beyond all the strengths
Of new chips I see,
This CPU giant bought Power to Me
And into my Ram a new Browser Sublime(!)
Brimming with programs
Saint Nicholas is on my Line!!

Then I in a second
Heard soundboarding in,
Saint Nicholass jolly laughter
Above all this din.

I pulled back my hands
and fell out of my chair,
In shock at the sight
Of Saint Nick standing there!

Though made up of Pixels
He seemed very real,
With clothing quite Modern
And full of Appeal.

A bundle of CDs
Were slung from his bag
He looked like an X er
With middle aged sag!!

He wore cool sunglasses
His face was electric,
His cheeks Two Mac Apples
His nose Neon Pink!

His handsome full lips
Were set in a grin,
With a Snow White
Bohemian Beard set on his chin.

With the butt of a Cuban
Lit up with flare,
I saw Cyber Smoke
Making rings in the air!

He got that Hip look
and acted so mellow,
But his belly still shook
Still a Jolly Old Fellow!

Flashing Peace signs to all
and nodding his head,
Lead me to think
I had nothing to dread!

He spoke not a word
But went straight to the show,
Left shiney new Laptops
And then turn to go …

And laying his finger
aside of the node,
As quick as a wink
Through the Monitor he flowed.

He appeared on the Screen
On the keys poked delete
And transported away
His Mission Complete …

But I heard him exclaim
As the screen had turned white,
CYBER CHRISTMAS TO ALL,
AND TO ALL A GOOD BYTE!!

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night & ask you, What are you thinking? An older woman doesnt care what you think. An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him. The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets … which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men. An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so theres no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover! Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if youre acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know… Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women cant help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey. An older woman will never accuse you of using her. Shes using you. Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call… Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut take out. An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when shes with you, in case you get any ideas… Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they al

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, You cant be serious, I could never shoot my wife.

The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, I tried, but I cant kill my wife.

The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

Finally, it was the womans turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. This gun is loaded with blanks she said. I had to beat him to death with the chair.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Fanny!
Fanny who?
Fanny body home!

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, What do you think about all this Satan stuff?

The other boy replied, Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. Its probably just your dad!

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapists office.



The doctor asked, What can I do for you?



The man said, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.



When the couple finished, the doctor said, Theres nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse, and charged them $32.



This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.



Finally the doctor asked, Just exactly what are you trying to find out?



The old man said, Were not trying to find out anything. Shes married and we cant go to her house – Im married and we cant go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32, and I get $28 back from Medicare.

What is the diffrence in French kissing and Australian kissing?

With French, you put your tongues in each others mouth, but with Australian, your down under.

A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and shes telling them that the word of the day is contagious. She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. Carl, she says. Carl says, My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps cause theyre contagious. Very good, says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, The atmosphere was contagious. The teacher says, Excellent, Suzie! Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. Yes, Johnny? Johnny says, The other day, me and my dads a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, Jesus, its gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, My Billy loved to fly, so Im going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.

The second man said, My Harry was a good fisherman, so Im going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.

The third man said, My Jimmy was such a good lover, I think Im going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.

Many years ago, a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a
farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him
that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmers daughter came down from upstairs and asked her
father, Who was that man going into the barn?

Thats some fellow traveling through, said the farmer. He needed a place to
stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn.

The daughter said, Perhaps he is hungry.

So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. About an hour
later, the daughter returned, her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair,
straight up to bed she went.

The farmers wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man
was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she,
too, did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned
incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his
journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned
that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. How could he leave without
even saying good-bye, she cried, after we made such passionate love last
night?

What? shouted the father, and angrily ran out of the house looking for
the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him,
Im gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!

The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his
mouth, and yelled out, ILAIDTHEOLDLADEEETOO!

And thats how yodeling began.