Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None – it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
23
Apr
23
Apr
Whats twenty feet long and smells like urine?
A crowd of old people line dancing.
23
Apr
An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is.
These, senor, replied the waiter in broken English, are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today.
The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, These cojones, or whatever you call them…are much smaller than the ones I had last night.
Yes, senor, replied the waiter, You see…the bull, he does not always lose.
23
Apr
Llaman al médico de urgencias:
¡Doctor, mi hijo se ha tragado un preservativo, venga corriendo!
SÃ, sÃ, voy ahora mismo!
El doctor estaba recogiendo el maletÃn, cuando, de repente, vuelve a sonar el teléfono:
¿Doctor?
¿Si?
Soy la que le llamó antes. Que ya no hace falta que venga, ya encontramos otro preservativo.
23
Apr
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If Its Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Wont Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: Its Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Lets Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When Youre About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Wont Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What Fourth Down and Ten Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Dont Fall Under the Action/Adventure Category or Selecting movies that dont star John Wayne on television
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!: Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Lets Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Lets Clean Under the Bed
25. I Dont Know: Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: Its Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: Its Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesnt Mean You Can Fix It
23
Apr
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you dont succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Everything can be filed under miscellaneous.
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isnt the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
If it wasnt for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you dont know what to do, walk fast and look worried
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
23
Apr
A woman was visiting an Indian reservation one day when an Indian came up to her. He had a feather in his hair. "How did you get that feather?" the woman asked."I screw one squaw," the Indian said. Then, another Indian came up to her. He had two feathers in his hair. "How did you get those feathers?" she asked. "I screw two squaw," he said. Then, an Indian with a headdress of feathers came up to her."My! How did you get all those feathers?" she asked. "I screw two squaw, four squirrel, five rabbit, eight bear." he answered. "Oh dear!" said the woman. The Indian replied, "No deer, deer jump too high, balls get stuck in bush."
23
Apr
What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?
It ends up in his mouth!
23
Apr
This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: Dont take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *dont* know! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered nicely saying, Hello?
I politely said, This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldnt believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robins correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled, Youre a jackass! and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word jackass, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, Id call him up.
Hed answer, and Id yell, Youre a jackass!
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea.
I dialed his number, then heard his voice say, Hello. I made up a name. Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and Im just calling to see if youre familiar with our caller ID program?
He went, No! and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, Thats because youre a jackass!
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if theres ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didnt think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. " Great," I thought, shes finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, You cant just do that, Buddy. I was here first! The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didnt even hear me. I thought to myself, "This guys a jackass.
There sure a lot of jackasses in this world."
I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, Im at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, Youre a jackass! (Its really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought Id better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, Hello.
I said, Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?
Yes, it is.
Can you tell me where I can see it?
Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. Its a yellow house and the cars parked right out front.
I said, Whats your name?
My name is Don Hansen.
Whens a good time to catch you, Don?
Im home in the evenings.
Listen Don, can I tell you something?
Yes.
Don, youre a jackass! And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansens number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasnt as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.
A man answered nicely saying, Hello.
I yelled Youre a jackass! but I didnt hang up.
The jackass said, Are you still there?
I said, Yeah.
He said, Stop calling me.
I said, No.
He said, Whats you name, pal?
I said, Don Hansen.
He said, Where do you live?
1802 West 34th Street. Its a yellow house and my black Camaros parked out front.
Im coming over right now, Don. Youd better start saying your prayers.
Yeah, like Im really scared, Jackass! and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, Hello.
I said, Hello, Jackass!
He said, If I ever find out who you are…
Youll what?
Ill kick your butt.
Well, heres your chance. Im coming over right now Jackass! And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.
After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life! Name withheld to protect the guilty.
23
Apr
Two farmers wifes work in the garden. One pluck out a carrot, looks at them for long time and then says:
– My husband has the same.
– Sou big?
– No, sou clean.