Old and New Jokes

Un tipo desesperado y sin un peso en el bolsillo va a un prostíbulo y le dice al encargado:

Mire, estoy muy caliente, sólo tengo 2 dólares, hace mucho que no cojo nada y no tengo mucho dinero ¿qué tiene aquí para ayudarme?

Mire por esa plata le toca con Blanquita, usted verá….

Está bien lo que sea, ¿donde está Blanquita?

En el segundo piso.

El sujeto sube al segundo piso y entra a una habitación donde hay una cama en el centro y, sobre la cama se encuentra una mujer de color pálido, de muy buena figura con las piernas abiertas.

¿Tú eres Blanquita, no?, pregunta el cachondo.

La hetaira no le contesta.

Bueno, ¿sólo quieres follar, no? Pues aquí te va esto, le dice el lujurioso, al tiempo que saca la pinga, y le empieza a dar como un desesperado a Blanquita. De un momento a otro, el tipo ve algo que lo aterra, sale corriendo y le dice al proxeneta:

Mire, yo me estaba follando a Blanquita desde hace rato, y de pronto le empezó a salir un líquido blanco de los oídos, la nariz y los ojos ¿que le pasará a esa mujer? ¿Será que le di mucho clavo?

El encargado del burdel le dice, tranquilo hombre, eso a veces pasa. Luego da un grito llamando a alguien: Joaquín, Joaquín, suba rápido al segundo piso, que la muerta se nos llenó de nuevo.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Acid!
Acid who?
Acid down and be quiet!

There once were 2 baby animals: One is a duck and the other a skunk. As they were walking along with their parents, a car came speeding down the road. The baby skunk and duck watched in horror as their parents were run over by the car.

Now the 2 babies were orphans. They had to stay together and help each other. Soon enough they were curious and wanted to know what kind of animals they were. They asked each other to describe their looks and tell what they were.

The skunk went first and said…Well, you have fluffy feathers, an orange bill, and youre white so you must be a duck!

The duck was now happy because he knew what type of animal he was. It was the ducks turn to describe the skunk and tell him what he was.

The duck said… Well youre not really black, and youre not really white, and you stink so you must be…(INSERT ETHNIC TERM HERE)!

Real Real Estate Definitions

Charming: Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See Cute, Enchanting, and Good Starter Home.

Much Potential: Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities.

Unique City Home: Used to be a warehouse.

Hi-Tech/Contemporary: Lots of steel shelving with little holes – the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.

Daring Design: Still a warehouse

Completely Updated: Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa.

Sophisticated: Black walls and no windows. See Architects Delight.

One-Of-A-Kind: Ugly as sin.

Brilliant Concept: Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See Makes Dramatic Statement.

Upper Bracket: If you have to ask…

Youll Love It: No, you wont.

Must See To Believe: An absolutely accurate statement.

PANDA WALKS INTO A BAR…

A panda walked into a bar and went up to the barman and said: I want a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please. The barman took his order and the Panda went to sit down at a table. Soon, a waiter took over the meal, the Panda gobbled it up, thanked, tipped the waiter and paid his bill.

All seemed normal until the Panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter dead.

The barman rushed over and said: Argh!! You just shot my friend!!! The Panda calmly replied: Do you know what I am? Of Course I do, the barman answered, youre a Panda! Good, the Panda replied, now go home and look me up in the dictionary. And with that, the Panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friends murder, so he went home to find his dictionary and after a while he found panda and quickly read the definition…

PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.



The first man said, My Ryan loved to fly, so Im going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.



The second man said, My Ross was a good fisherman, so Im going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.



The third man said, My Jack was such a good lover, I think Im going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.

What is black and white and red all over? A panda bear with diaper rash!

The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this months outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.

The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him – he sauntered in.

Sir, she inquired, Why doesnt this cow have any horns?

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: Well, maam, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keepem trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young uns by puttin a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow dont have no horns, maam, is cause its a horse.

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large

puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side.

So… the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one

gets to the worm first?

The one who swam, of course, because Da oily boid gets da woim.

1 to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 53 to flame the spell checkers 6 to argue over whether its lightbulb or light bulb … another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct 156 to email the participants ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their acceptable use policy 109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped 111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 19 to quote the Me toos to say Me three 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ 44 to ask what is a FAQ 4 to say didnt we go through this already a short time ago? 143 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questi