Old and New Jokes

En una finca a la media noche, en la frontera con México y los Estados Unidos, moría una señora.

El padre de esta señora le decía a su yerno, Vaya al pueblo y traiga al médico urgentemente, no ve que su mujer se muere.

El yerno respondía: Pues vaya usted que es el padre, y así discutían sin llegar a un acuerdo.

El motivo por el cual no querian ir al pueblo era porque tenían que pasar por un puente en donde la leyenda decía que aparecia el Vampiro Fronterizo, un negro alto y fornido con una verga más grande que la de un burro y todo aquel que por ahí pasaba en la noche se lo cogía.

Estando en esta discucion llegó un vecino y les dijo: Acaso no saben el rezo: Vampiro Fronterizo que por las noches volarás, a pesar de tus hechizos mi culo no tocarás.

El esposo sale en su carro repitiendo este rezo durante todo el camino. Al llegar al sitio se le aparece tremendo negro con la verga parada y el esposo le dice: Vampiro Fronterizo que por las noches volarás a pesar de tus hechizos mi culo no tocarás.

Se lo queda mirando el vampiro y le dice: ¡WHAT!

If you type these in from the csh (c shell): in Unix you really do get

these responses.



% make love

Make: Dont know how to make love. Stop.



% got a light?

No match.



% sleep with me

bad character



% man: Why did you get a divorce?

man: Too many arguments.



% make heads or tails of all this

Make: Dont know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.



% make sense

Make: Dont know how to make sense. Stop.



% make mistake

Make: Dont know how to make mistake. Stop.



% make bottle.open

Make: Dont know how to make bottle.open. Stop.



% (-

(-: Command not found.



% make light

Make: Dont know how to make light. Stop.



% date me

You are not superuser: date not set Thu Aug 25 15:52:30 PDT 1988



% man rear

No manual entry for rear.



% If I had a ) for every dollar Clinton spent, what would I have?

Too many )s.



% * How would you describe Clinton

*: Ambiguous.



% %Vice-President

%Vice-President: No such job.



% ls Meese-Ethics

Meese-Ethics not found



% How would you rate Clintons senility?

Unmatched .



% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?

Missing ]. |



% ^How did the^sex change operation go?

Modifier failed.



% who is my match?

No match.



% set i=Democratic_Platform;mkdir $i;chmod 000 $i;ls $i

Democratic_Platform unreadable



% awk Polly, the ship is sinking

awk: syntax error near line 1

awk: bailing out near line



% thou shalt not commit adultery

thou shalt not commit adultery: Command not found.

Youve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

60. Find out your roommates post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.

Arizona: A company called Guns For Hire stages gunfights for Western
movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who
wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

This is not only philosophical but is obviously pure science.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the

weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. So thats why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Joe sets up his friend Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend of his.
But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone hes never seen before. What
do I do if shes ugly? says Mike, Ill be stuck
with her all night. Dont worry, Joe says, just go up to her door
and meet her first. If you like what you
see, then everything goes as planned. If you dont just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake
an asthma attack. Thatll give you an excuse to
cancel the date right then and there. So that night, Mike knocks at the girls door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at
how beautiful and sexy she is. Hes about to
speak when the girl suddenly shouts: Aaaaaauuuggghhh!

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. Its the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? Ill be home in an hour to pick them up."He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?""Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.""Oh no I didnt. I put them in your tackle box."

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, Since youve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven. Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, I want to hang out with God. St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, Hey, arent you the inventor of woman? God said, Ah, yes, Well, said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. 1. Theres too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous. Hmmmm, you may have some good points there, replied God, hold on. God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, God said to Arthur, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

Last night, while grocery shopping, I found a rather unusual item on
the shelves. After filling my basket with Stouffers Yuppie Chow, I
strolled down the cereal aisle, where I saw several boxes of a substance
labeled Nintendo Cereal System. I suppose I shouldnt be surprised.
After all, cartoon characters have been endorsing cereals for years,
so why shouldnt Super Mario Brothers get into the act?

I see tremendous potential here. What better way for an organization
with a sociopolitical agenda to infiltrate the minds and stomachs of
Americans than to deliver its message at the breakfast table? I have
seen the future of public relations, and it is the gastronomic equivalent
of a sound bite. I, for one, would rather sit down to a bowl of
whale-shaped granola than receive another one of those envelopes from
Greenpeace marked, Animal Rights Survey Inside–Please Complete and
Return Within Ten Days.

Not surprisingly, I have a few ideas:

Golden Graham- |The key to a balanced diet. Need I say more?
Rudmans

Special KKK |Even white supremacists need their minimum daily
|requirement of riboflavin. Try it with some grits.

Sugar Frosted |The pro-choice cereal. Stays crunchy in milk (or
Fetuses |saline solution). Anti-abortionists will have to
|make do with a box of Life.

Mothers Against |Send in three proof-of-purchase seals and
Drunk Driving Oats |receive a free breathalyzer.

Rifle Krispies |Specially marked boxes contain armor-piercing
|bullets. Cereal doesnt kill people. People
|kill people.

Rocky Tobacco Road |Brought to you by the tobacco industry, this is
|the only cereal that simultaneously satisfies your
|cravings for chocolate and nicotine, so light up
|a bowl for breakfast. Also available in menthol.

Khokhomeini Puffs |Some third world marketeer could capitalize on this
|idea in the aftermath of the demise of everyones
|favorite mullah. Woe be to the infidels who fail
|to start their day with a bowl of little chocolate
|ayatollahs! Free Death to America decal inside!

In case youre wondering, I picked up a box of Product 19. As far
as I can tell, its the only cereal named after a prime number.