A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to Where do pets come from?
Adam said, Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.
And God said, No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.
And God said, No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.
And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adams guardian angel came to the Lord & said, Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.
And the Lord said, No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didnt give a hoot one way or the other.
Pat and Mike were walking down the street, when they came to the church, Pat says, Mike, you wait here, Im going to run in for confession, its been a long time.
Pat enters the confessional and says, Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman.
The priest asks, was it Mrs Murphy? no, Father, was the reply.
Was it Mrs OBoyle? Again the reply was No, Father.
Was it Mrs. OGrady? Pat said, Father, Ill not be teling you the ladys name!
So the priest told him to say two Hail Marys for each time he had sinned with the woman.
Back on the street, Mike said, Well, how did you do? Pat said, Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new prospects!
A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.
Im here for the paint job, she said.
Alright, said the man. Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house.
The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.
After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isnt a porsche out back. Its a new BMW.
Seven.
One to change the light bulb.
Three to protest the offense committed by the light bulb in regards
to the socket.
Two to secretly wish they were the socket.
One to secretly wish she was the light bulb.
I worked as an orientation leader at Northern Illinois University this past summer. I was responsible for answering any questions any parents and students had about NIU and DeKalb, Illinois.
I also was responsible for telling parents a little about NIU and DeKalb. Well, DeKalb Illinois is the city in which barbed wire was first invented. DeKalb is also Cindy Crawfords home town.
I told the parents in my group that DeKalb was famous for Cindy Crawford and Barbed wire.
The parents responded by asking Barb who?
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. The password is, "bubba."
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba dont read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.
Special 1-hour lenses from Lenscrafters now allow it to see really, REALLY, *REALLY* far.
SBTS (Shapely Buttocks Targeting System) enhances astronomers lonely evenings.
New Super Big Gulp size cup holder and one of those little pine tree air fresheners.
When pointed toward earth, it can… HEY, YOU!!! IN THE RED SHIRT! STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE!
Bitchin speaker stacks that blast We Will Rock You when orbiting over Iraq.
Special kaleidoscope attachment for when the acid kicks in.
After 3 years and over $50 million of troubleshooting, they finally removed the lens cap.
Warning on lens mirror now reads: OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE LIGHTYEARS CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
Gigantic Louisville Slugger installed to protect earth against asteroids.
Toy Surprise built into every new piece, for that day when they plummet to Earth.
By focusing huge magnifying glass, scientists can burn ants with pinpoint accuracy.
Much improved reception on the All-Alien-Sex channel.
New enhancement lets you record one galaxy while watching another.
Corrective lenses have giant mustache and fake nose attached for Groucho effect.
The new guy in charge of focus and zoom? Larry Flynt.
and the Number 1 Improvement to the Hubble Telescope …
Gigantic Impending Earth-Destroying Asteroid scraped off lens and put back in gum wrapper foil; Russians warned about further practical jokes.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
[ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ]
Gary and Lorne were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Lornes penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
Wow, Gary said.
Ive never seen one like that before.
Like what?
Lorne said.
All twisted like a corkscrew, Gary said.
Well, whats yours like?
Lorne said.
Straight, like normal, Gary said.
I thought mine was normal until I saw yours, Lorne said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
What did you do that for?
asked Lorne.
Shaking off the excess drops, replied Gary.
Like normal.
Cripes, Lorne said.
And all these years Ive been wringing it.
A blonde was standing in front of a coke machine she put in 50 cents and a coke came out. She set it on top of the coke machine. Put in 50 mor cents pushed the button and another coke came out.
She kept doing this untill a guy standing behind her said, Excuse me, can I get my coke and then you can go back to what ever you are doing?
The blonde turns around and says, Like duh not when I am winning!!
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.
Teach him how to fish and you can sell him a rod.