Old and New Jokes

20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picards desk
19. The ball in Parisis Squares
18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
17. Replace Trois broken Chia Pet
16. Scare blind students in Braille class
15. Prop open doors for maintenance crews
14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
13. Footstool for Captains chair
12. Entertaining kids in day care puppet show
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
9. Decorative air filter in Picards fish tank
8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get ahead in research.
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
6. Two words: tether ball
5. Keep Worfs coffee table from shaking
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
3. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy

Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92,94 and 96, and they all lived together.

One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. Was I getting in the tub or out? she yelled.

The 94 year old hollered back, I dont know, Ill come see. She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, Was I going up or coming down?

The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters shook her head and said, I sure hope I never get that forgetful, and knocked on wood for good measure.

Then she yelled, Ill come up and help both of you as soon as I see whos at the door.

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

Youve been such exemplary statues, he announced to them, That Im going to give you a special gift. Im going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want. And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

You still have fifteen more minutes, said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, Great! Only this time…

you hold the pigeon down and Ill crap on its head.

The last words of a chemist:

19. And now keep ith constat at 24 degrees celsius, 25… 26… 27…

20. Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!?

21. I feel it how long 15 seconds are!

Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, two ! One, two ! One, two !

Un tipo desesperado y sin un peso en el bolsillo va a un prostíbulo y le dice al encargado:

Mire, estoy muy caliente, sólo tengo 2 dólares, hace mucho que no cojo nada y no tengo mucho dinero ¿qué tiene aquí para ayudarme?

Mire por esa plata le toca con Blanquita, usted verá….

Está bien lo que sea, ¿donde está Blanquita?

En el segundo piso.

El sujeto sube al segundo piso y entra a una habitación donde hay una cama en el centro y, sobre la cama se encuentra una mujer de color pálido, de muy buena figura con las piernas abiertas.

¿Tú eres Blanquita, no?, pregunta el cachondo.

La hetaira no le contesta.

Bueno, ¿sólo quieres follar, no? Pues aquí te va esto, le dice el lujurioso, al tiempo que saca la pinga, y le empieza a dar como un desesperado a Blanquita. De un momento a otro, el tipo ve algo que lo aterra, sale corriendo y le dice al proxeneta:

Mire, yo me estaba follando a Blanquita desde hace rato, y de pronto le empezó a salir un líquido blanco de los oídos, la nariz y los ojos ¿que le pasará a esa mujer? ¿Será que le di mucho clavo?

El encargado del burdel le dice, tranquilo hombre, eso a veces pasa. Luego da un grito llamando a alguien: Joaquín, Joaquín, suba rápido al segundo piso, que la muerta se nos llenó de nuevo.

There once were 2 baby animals: One is a duck and the other a skunk. As they were walking along with their parents, a car came speeding down the road. The baby skunk and duck watched in horror as their parents were run over by the car.

Now the 2 babies were orphans. They had to stay together and help each other. Soon enough they were curious and wanted to know what kind of animals they were. They asked each other to describe their looks and tell what they were.

The skunk went first and said…Well, you have fluffy feathers, an orange bill, and youre white so you must be a duck!

The duck was now happy because he knew what type of animal he was. It was the ducks turn to describe the skunk and tell him what he was.

The duck said… Well youre not really black, and youre not really white, and you stink so you must be…(INSERT ETHNIC TERM HERE)!

Real Real Estate Definitions

Charming: Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See Cute, Enchanting, and Good Starter Home.

Much Potential: Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities.

Unique City Home: Used to be a warehouse.

Hi-Tech/Contemporary: Lots of steel shelving with little holes – the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.

Daring Design: Still a warehouse

Completely Updated: Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa.

Sophisticated: Black walls and no windows. See Architects Delight.

One-Of-A-Kind: Ugly as sin.

Brilliant Concept: Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See Makes Dramatic Statement.

Upper Bracket: If you have to ask…

Youll Love It: No, you wont.

Must See To Believe: An absolutely accurate statement.

PANDA WALKS INTO A BAR…

A panda walked into a bar and went up to the barman and said: I want a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please. The barman took his order and the Panda went to sit down at a table. Soon, a waiter took over the meal, the Panda gobbled it up, thanked, tipped the waiter and paid his bill.

All seemed normal until the Panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter dead.

The barman rushed over and said: Argh!! You just shot my friend!!! The Panda calmly replied: Do you know what I am? Of Course I do, the barman answered, youre a Panda! Good, the Panda replied, now go home and look me up in the dictionary. And with that, the Panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friends murder, so he went home to find his dictionary and after a while he found panda and quickly read the definition…

PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.



The first man said, My Ryan loved to fly, so Im going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.



The second man said, My Ross was a good fisherman, so Im going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.



The third man said, My Jack was such a good lover, I think Im going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.