Old and New Jokes

A young woman in a REALLY skimpy skirt was at the bus stop. When the bus arrived and the doors opened she tried to climb the steps. However, her skirt was too tight and her legs couldnt move. So, she reached behind her and undid her zipper.

She tried to step up again, and still couldnt, so she reached behind again and played with the zipper.

She tried to climb the steps again…still no luck. So, as she reached behind again, a pair of strong hands picked her up and placed her on the top step.

What do you think youre doing?, she asked the guy behind her.

Well, I figured the second time you undid my fly we were at least good friends!

Yo mama is so dumb she bought a solar-powered flash light.

* * Starkle, starkle, little twink, *

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* Who the hell are you I think. * *

* * *

* * Im not under what you call *

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* The alcofluence of incohol. * *

* * *

* * Im just a little slort of sheep, *

* * *

* Im not drunk like thinkle peep. * *

* * *

* * I dont know who is me yet, *

* * *

* But the drunker I stand here the longer I get. *

* * * * *

* * So just give me one more fink to drill my cup, *

* * * *

* Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up. * *

* * * * *

Joke found on http://www.funny-jokes.net

A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all.

The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again.

To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck, drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time.

By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says hmmm – thats weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn.

A midget with a heavy lisp goes to a horse farm to purchase a horse. The owner of the farm takes him through to look at all of his horses. The owner is really getting pissed off.

Finally, the last horse and the midget decided that he really wanted this horse. So he ask the owner if he could lift him up so he could look at the horses eyes. The owner did as the midget asked, and the midget said Oh my, thse got very pretty eyez.

Then the midget ask if he could lift him up so he could see her teeth, Then the midget said Oh wow, thse got wonderful teeth. Then the midget ask if he could see her twat. The owner, being very pissed,picked him up, and rammed him in and out of the horses twat.

The midget looked up at the owner and said. Oh my, yes she does have a very fine twat, but I guess I thoud have asked to see her gallop.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, I had an affair with a woman – almost.

The priest says, What do you mean, almost?

The man says, Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.

The priest replies, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. Youre not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, I saw that. You didnt put any money in the poor box!

The man replied, Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!

How does a man take a bubble bath?

He eats beans for dinner.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they dont have testicles.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts dont have eyes.

Why dont men eat more M&Ms?

Theyre too hard to peel.

What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?

Gifted.

Whats a mans idea of foreplay?

A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?

Hes breathing.

What do men and bottles of beer have in common?

Theyre both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?

Who cares!!!!

What is the thinnest book in the world?

What Men Know About Women

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. Men will screw anything!

How do you save a man from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

We dont know – its never happened.

Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?

Because theyre stupid.

How are men and parking spots alike?

The good ones are always taken.

Why do men like love at first sight?

It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children.

What does a man of 35 think of?

Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?

In real life, men arent affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why dont men have mid-life crises?

They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show hes planning for the Future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?

All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?

At the circus the clowns dont talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks hes Gods gift?

Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?

Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

Theyre hard to get started, emit foul odors, and dont work half time.

Whats the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?

Just when its getting interesting, theyre finished until next time.

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can remember them.

Why do blacks have white on their hands?

Its where they were hung to be spray painted.

A pony walks into a bar and says Bartender, may I have a drink?

Bartender says What? I cant hear you. Speak up!

May I please have a drink?

What? You have to speak up!

Could I please have a drink?

Now listen, if you dont speak up I will not serve you.

Im sorry, Im just a little hoarse.

A woman goes to the doctors and says, Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!

The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.

A week later the woman returns and says, Doctor, Doctor, its gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! Whats wrong with me?

Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, Doctor, Doctor, Im still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!

The doctor says, Relax, Relax,… youre just going through your change!