A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on
what to wear. Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a
pauper. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and
tie.
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice,
and
requested some resolution of the dilemma. Let me tell you a story,
replied
the rabbi. A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on
her wedding night. Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right
up
to your neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting
advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your
navel.
The man protested: What does all this have to do with my problem with the
IRS?
No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
Yo mama so stupid she went to the Superbowl with a spoon.
What do you call a pregnant Black woman? A dope carrier!
Those of you in California have surely heard the Unocal commercials which have
some grease monkey from Unocal actually making house calls to do maintenance
or check the oil or whatever. Our new slogan is At Unocal, Were Still a
SERVICE Station. Well, maybe at some stations. The Unocal I work at is a
self-serve only and I spend my whole shift in a bullet-resistant glass box.
(BTW, if bullet-resistant glass is to bullet-proof glass what water-
resistant watches are to water-proof watches then I dont feel terribly
safe…)
Anyway, to spruce up our customer relations, Unocal sent our booth a workbook
entitled Customer Oriented Marketing: Deliver the Attitude. It is basically
a quiz-book testing all of the booth attendants on how to treat our beloved
customers. The boss is supposed to test us all using the book and presumably
our job depends on a good score.
Not just any dummy can walk in off the street and become a booth attendant at
Unocal.
For the enjoyment of the reading audience, I here present a few sample
questions from the workbook:
[Ed: The quiz is pretty amusing, but I have also added the funny cynical answers
provided for this quiz in a later posting by Dave Decot, decot@hpcupt1.cup.hp.com]
o Customer-Oriented Marketing is looking at our job through
the customers (eyes/file).
[wallet]
o A good opening to a customer who voices a complaint is,
Im (sorry/upset) you are having a problem.
[certain that psychologically]
o Remember, arguing with the customer can only make a bad
situation (worse/better).
[more entertaining]
o Make positive contact with your customers by being friendly,
(bashful/enthusiastic), open and interested.
[flirtatious]
o Using a customers name and saying thank you are examples
of (pushy/friendly) service.
[patronizing]
o While working with your present customer, (acknowledge/
ignore) a waiting customer.
[become interested in and leave the premises with]
o Customers feel you are happy to have their business when
you smile and say (nothing/thank you).
[The gas is free today.]
o Friendly service is giving the customer your full attention
and making (eye/hand) contact.
[felonious intimate]
o One way to show customers full attention is to call them by
(phone/name) whenever possible.
[obnoxious childhood nicknames]
o Keep the station (cluttered/neat) and clean so customers do
not take their business elsewhere.
[empty]
o Use the intercom for customer assistance and (safety/
entertainment).
[inaudibility]
A good opening to a complaining customer could be to tell them you are:
a) excited
b) pleased
c) happy
d) sorry
[extremely busy and tired of their whining]
Customers waiting for island service should be:
a) patient
b) ignored
c) acknowledged
d) important
[advised on airfare deals to Tahiti]
What kind of service should customers get?
a) quick
b) friendly
c) professional
d) all of the above
[incomprehensible, greasy, and fear-inducing]
One way to give customers personal attention is to:
a) only accept credit cards
b) ignore them
c) call them by name
d) talk to two customers at once
[encourage them to join you in the booth]
A blonde buys two horses and she cant tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horses tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she cant tell them apart again. She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them. She comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job.
Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks.
However it wasn’t his glowing probiscus that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average rain deer, or bear for that matter.
So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as … New Ears Day.
Los canÃbales atrapan a un tipo y lo meten en una olla. Ante la cara de pánico del hombre, comienzan a echarle plátanos, yucas, papas, cebolla, todo picado. Un rato después, el personaje sonreÃa.
Intrigados, los antropófagos se le acercan y el jefe le pregunta:
¿Hombre blanco de que reÃrse? ¡No ver que nosotros comérnoslo!
SÃ, pero es que me les cagué en el sancocho.
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say oh geez, better get cracking and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming Andre, Andre, Ive got the secret documents!!
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructors left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, Im so sure you can hear me thinking. Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, I dont understand any of this. Ive been to every lecture all semester long! Whats the deal? And who are you? Wheres the regular guy?
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, So, how did you end up with the peg-leg? The pirate replies, We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.
Wow! said the seaman. What about your hook? Well, replied the pirate, We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.
Incredible! remarked the seaman. How did you get the eye patch? A seagull dropping fell into my eye, replied the pirate.
You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?, the sailor asked incredulously. Well, said the pirate, it was my first day with my hook