Old and New Jokes

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

A dog walks into a bar. He hops up on a bar stool and puts his front paws on the bar. He looks the bartender right in the eye and says, Hey, guess what? Im a talking dog. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink for the talking dog?
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, Alright. The toilets right around the corner.

I like to hang out around the playground, just watching the kids running and screaming. They dont know Im just using blanks.

Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!
One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day … think about it
HONK if youve slept with Commander Riker!
Guns dont kill people … Class 2 Phasers do!
Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!
CAUTION … We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical.
If you can read this … Dont you think youre a wee bit too close?
Have you hugged a Ferengi today?
We brake for cubes!
Wesley On Board!

Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship: Blonde Borgs have the same fun.

A man rushed into the veterinarians office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dogs still, limp body and sadly informed the man that the dog was dead.

Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog. The doctor stepped into his other room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door.

The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a “meow”, walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.

The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner, Im sorry, but there is nothing I can do.”

Resigned, the man signed and said, Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you?

Three-hundred fifty dollars, the doctor replied.

Thr . . . thr . . .three-hundred fif-fif-fifty bucks to tell me my dog is dead! the man stammered.

Well, it was only $50 for the office visit. The other $300 is for the CAT scan.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for?

The second kid says, Im in here to get my tonsils out and Im a little nervous.

The first kid says, Youve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. Its a breeze!

The second kid then asks, What are you here for?

The first kid says, A circumcision.

The second kid says, Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldnt walk for a year!

Había tres hermanos, el primero se llamaba Tonto, el segundo Nadie y el tercero Ninguno.

Un día Tonto va exaltado a la comisaría y le grita al oficial: ¡Rápido! ¡Nadie se cayó a un pozo y Ninguno lo está ayudando!

El policía, enojado, dice: ¿¡USTED ES TONTO?!

SI, MUCHO GUSTO…

Un día Jaimito le dice a su mamá:

¿Sabes mamá? la vecina de al lado sabe mucho, es inteligente.

¿Cómo, ella es profesora de algún colegio o de tu colegio?

No, lo digo porque mi papá siempre va con ella a su casa y le dice que le enseñe algo nuevo.

How do you keep a blonde busy? See Below.


How do you keep a blonde busy? See Above.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
De Witt!
De Witt who?
De Witt now or never!