Llegan varios niños a la casa de su amigo Panchito; tocan a la puerta y sale la mamá del niño:
¿Qué se les ofrece?
Al unÃsono los pequeños responden:
Señora, ¿podrÃa Panchito salir a jugar béisbol con nosotros?
Enternecida, la madre les dice:
Les agradezco mucho lo que hacen por mi hijo, niños, pero saben que no tiene ni brazos ni piernas ¿de qué les puede servir en el juego?
Y todos contestan:
Por eso es que lo queremos de cojÃn de tercera.
Acompañado de su perro, un pastor ordeña una cabra. En eso, el animal se vira y le reclama:
¡Tantos años tocándome las tetas y nunca me has dado un beso!
Sorprendido, el pastor sale corriendo por el campo seguido por el perro. Cuando por fin se detienen, el perro se le queda viendo al asustado pastor diciéndole:
¡Vaya susto que nos dio la cabra!
A husband was worried about the decline in the quality of his marriage so he discreetly went to a marriage counselor to discuss the problem.
The counselor asked, Do you kiss your wife when you get home from work, remind her every now and then of how much you love her, and show her all the little attentions that you did during the first few years of your marriage?
Uhh, no, I guess not, the husband replied.
That happens with many married couples, the counselor replied. I suggest that you begin starting today to do all those little nice things for her…fuss over her, buy her flowers, bring candy home to her, and try to be a lover again instead of just a husband.
That sounds good to me. Youre right. Ill start this evening.
So when the husband got home that night, he presented his wife at the door with a dozen long-stemmed roses, gave her a big hug and kiss and said, Were going out on the town tonight, sweet lips, just the two of us and were going to have a good time. Ive reserved a table at the Hilton, two seats for a great musical to see after dinner, and thats only the beginning!
His wife stared at him, then burst into tears. What! Whats wrong, honey? Tell me whats the matter? the husband cried.
Well, Susie came home from high school today and told me that shes pregnant. Then our bank called us today to tell us that five checks have bounced and that we should immediately make a deposit. Then our cat, Mittens, got run over by a car and poor little Katie is in her room sobbing her eyes out right now. And I totally wrecked the car while I was trying to rush Mittens to the animal clinic. And now…(sniff)(sniff)…now… she broke off and sobbed deeply.
Now what, honey, tell me. Please tell me. the husband begged.
And now, you come home drunk!!!!
Q: How does an Amish father find his daughter in the field?
A: Pretty good.
Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Heres a listing of some of the lessor known ones…
The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia …….. U. Gogh
The brother who bleached all his clothes white .. Hue Gogh
The sister who wore a mini skirt to dance in bars … Go Gogh
The real obnoxious brother ………. Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ………… Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked at a convenience store ……. Stop N Gogh
His dizzy aunt …………. Verti Gogh
The cousin that moved to Illinois ……… Chicah Gogh
His magician uncle ………….. Wherediddy Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico ………. Amee Gogh
Another cousin who lived in Mexico ……… Green Gogh
Nephew that drove a stage coach ………. Wells Far Gogh
Aunt who was a good dancer ………….. Tan Gogh
An elderly couple are watching the 700 Club. The evangelist is getting really worked up, and its soon time for the healing portion of the show."If you believe in the healing power of the Lord, place on hand on the television, and one hand on the part of your body that ails you!" The old man places one hand on the television and one hand on his groin."Oh, dont be stupid!" says the old woman. "He said heal, not raise the dead!"
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favorite words: Ill buy it for you.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you havent fallen asleep yet.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet!
-Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?
YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, Nobody move! When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.
The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it wont see him. The barman looks down at him and says, Whats the matter with you? Why are you hiding? Youve got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?
The motorway replies, You dont know him like I do. Hes a cyclepath.