To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes-theres no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Una noche, un tipo estaba cómodamente sentado en la sala de su casa, cuando una piedra vuela a través de la ventana, rompiendo cristales y aterrizando a sus pies. En la piedra se encuentra un sobre atado con la siguiente nota:
‘Si no obedece nuestras demandas y nos entrega cien mil dólares, secuestraremos a su esposa’.
Tras reflexionar un rato, el hombre se sienta a la mesa, enciende un cigarrillo y escribe, al reverso de la nota:
‘Estimados caballeros:
Acuso recibo de la nota. No dispongo de cien mil dólares en este momento. No obstante, les ruego se mantengan en contacto conmigo en el futuro, pues su propuesta me interesa.
Atentamente’.
Un hombre entra en un hospital para ser operado de las dos piernas. Cuando despierta, después de la intervención, el cirujano que lo operó le comenta:
Tenemos dos noticias para usted: una buena y otra mala, ¿cuál quiere primero?
DÃgame la mala y luego me alegra con la buena.
Mire, la operación se complicó y tuvimos que cortarle las dos piernas.
El hombre rompe a llorar:
¿Y cuál es la buena noticia?, pregunta sollozando.
Que el hombre que está en la habitación de al lado dice que le compra los zapatos que traÃa.
Un cazador viajó al Africa a un safari. Al no encontrar auxiliares para cargar su equipaje le ofreció bananos a un gorila y éste comprendió la oferta y alzó con las carpas, las armas, los alimentos y lo acompañó por todo el safari. Al cazador le salió más barato y con un excelente servicio. Total, cuando el cazador iba a iniciar su regreso se puso a pensar en las bondades de contar con el gorila para próximos safaris y decidió llevarlo a casa. Llegó a casa a altas horas de la noche, acomodó al gorila en el patio de la casa y entró a su habitación después de dos meses de ausencia. Al otro dÃa, la señora del cazador se levanta temprano y le comenta a la muchacha del servicio llena de felicidad:
MarÃa, después de dos meses mi marido regresó y ¡qué regreso!: tres relaciones increÃbles.
Eso no es nada, señora, el amigo que trajo me echó ocho y ni siquiera se quitó el abrigo, le contesta suspirando la muchacha.
A professor at W.Virginia University is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: How many people here believe in ghosts?
About 90 students raise their hands. Well thats a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think youve ever seen a ghost? About 40 students raise their hands. Thats really good. Im really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. Thats a great response.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost? 3 students raise their hands. Thats fantastic.
But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost? One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, Son, all the years Ive been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. Youve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.
The redneck student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, Well, tell us what its like to have sex with a ghost.
The student replies, Ghost?!? Sheeyit….. From back there it sounded like you said goats.
There was a man who said, I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!
A secret pregnant lover
At the rehearsal dinner for my boss daughter and son-in-law-to-be, a loud eight-months pregnant teenage girl suddenly appeared at the back of the room screaming ten minutes worth of curses that would befall the groom if he didnt marry the pregnant girl like he promised. It was set up by the boss wife, and I am told that the groom very nearly burst into tears protesting his innocence.
Theres no future in time travel.
There was a gay lad from Kartoume
Took a lesbian up to his room
Well, they argued all night
as to who had the right
To do what, with which and to whom
A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
No laundry the boy said, Im going to wash my dog.
But you shouldnt use this to wash your dog. Its very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, hell get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
Oh, he died, the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.
The boy replied, I dont think it was the detergent that killed him.
Oh, What was it then? I think it was the spin cycle!