Indecision is the key to flexibility.
You cant tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isnt what it used to be.
Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think there is good in everybody, you havent met everybody.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
This is as bad as it can get, but dont count on it.
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
The trouble with life is, youre halfway through it before you realize its
a do-it-yourself thing.
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up
Jacks station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few
hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a
nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if
they could spend the night.Im recently widowed, she explained, and Im afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.Not to worry, Jack said, well be happy to sleep in the barn.Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widows attorney.
He called up his friend Bob and said, Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?Yes, I do.Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and have sex with her?Yes, I have to admit that I did.Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?Bobs face turned red and he said, Yeah, Im afraid I did.Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!
Bill Gates tragically died in a car accident. Arriving at the pearly gates, he finds himself being sized up by St. Peter.
Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call; Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows XP. Im going to do something Ive never done before . . . Im going to let you decide where you want to go.
So whats the difference between the two? Bill asked. St. Peter said, I could let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.
Fine! Where should I go first? You decide. Okay then, said Bill, Lets try Hell first.
So Bill Gates went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
This is great! he told St. Peter. If this is Hell, Id REALLY like to see Heaven!
Fine, said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but nothing like Hell. It didnt take long for Bill to reach his decision.
I think I prefer Hell, he told St. Peter. So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming among hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.
Hows everything going? he asked Bill Gates. His voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill responded, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?
Oh, that was a demo, replied St. Peter. This is the release version.
YOUR DELETE KEY
Thank you for using the Delete Key. The Delete Key is an amazing new technology available to all computer users. It is simple, effective, and very user-friendly. If this is your first time using the Delete Key, we urge you to read the entire contents of this manual. Please do not delete this manual. This may cause you to use the delete key in a reckless or insufficient manner.
INTRODUCTION
The Delete Key provides a keyboard based, fully manual method for the removal of information. Furthermore, use of the Delete Key in conjunction with the small amount of brain matter you have left may induce a tingling sensation of pleasure.
Failure to use the Delete Key may result in aggravation, humiliation, and knee-jerk reactionism. This manual will help you locate and implement a full Delete Key pressing method to ensure your peace of mind remains unaltered.
LOCATING THE DELETE KEY
Lift your hands off the key board.
Scan the keys for a key labeled Delete
Make note of this location as it will come in handy later.
USING THE DELETE KEY
Locate something on your computer you wish to delete. Files, text, e-mail messages, and vital operating system components are all delete-enabled items.
Select the item using your mouse or other selection device.
Lift you hands off the keyboard and using one of you fingers, depress the key labeled Delete.
The offending material has now been removed from your sight.
WARNING
Some systems may require confirmation of your Delete- based system. If this is the case, make sure to agree to the deletion. Otherwise you may become reburdened with the offensive or unwanted material.
WHAT SHOULD I DELETE
Anything that might bring you unhappiness. In this New Economy, semi-lucid hyper-cyber-superhighway world, you need the unending power of a Delete key. Not only is is easy to implement, it offers tremendous Return On Investment (ROI). Consider this scenario:
Helga Gumpwetter has three text files. In the first file are instructions for making a nuclear bomb. The other two contain funny jokes about pumpkins. Because Helga deleted the nuclear bomb message and read the pumpkin jokes, she lacked the ability to nuke her ex-boyfriend, thus saving all of King County Washington. Talk about some serious ROI!
(Written by Al Girard)
Because she had no arms.I KNOW you laughed at that, admit it, it was awful, mean and sadistic, but you laughed…
Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began.
The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered.
The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that.
In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age.
Will you do me a favor? Ill give you each a dollar if youll promise to come around every day and do your thing.
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
This recessions really putting a big dent in my income, he told them. From now on, Ill only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
Look, he said, I havent received my Social Security check yet, so Im not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?
Only a quarter? the drum leader exclaimed. If you think were going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, youre nuts!
No way, dude. We quit!
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them.
Do you: (1) have lunch?, or (2) go to a movie?
A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.
Top 10 Reasons For Being French
When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
Its easy being a soap dodger
You get to eat shitty little things like snails and frogs legs
You know what you are ordering in expensive restaurants
You dont have to read the subtitles on those late night films on
Channel 4.
You can test your own nuclear weapons far away from your own doorstep
You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
If theres a war you can surrender really early
You dont have to bother with toilets, just shit in a hole
People think youre a great lover even when youre crap