Old and New Jokes

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates.

St. Peter told the first husband, I cant let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.

Dejected, he turned and walked away.

The next married couple stepped up, and St. Peter told the husband, Cant let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life.

You even married a girl named Penny.

The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.

The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, Come on, Fanny, hes not going to let us in either!

Un joven, que practicaba el nudismo, recibió una carta de su abuela en la cual le pedía que, por favor, le mandara una fotografía reciente de él. Como no tenía otra, excepto la que se tomó en el campo nudista, decidió enviarle esa, pero antes la partió por la mitad.

Después que hubo mandado la mitad de la fotografía por correo, se dio cuenta que había cometido un grave error: le envió a su abuela la mitad equivocada. Pero él mismo se consoló pensando que como la anciana tenía tan mala su vista, que tal vez ni cuenta se daría. Varios días después, el nieto recibió otra carta de su abuela:

Hijito, te agradezco mucho la foto que me mandaste. Quiero sugerirte que deberías cambiarte ese estilo de peinado, pues te hace ver muy cachetón y muy chato.

On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.

I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man she tells her new hubby.



The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?.

The wife answers …well maybe!



Husband asks who it was.

The wife answers – it was Tiger Woods.



Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, hes not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon thing. When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.



What are you doing? asked his bride.

Im calling for room service. After all that work Im hungry!



The wife says, Tiger wouldnt do that.

Really! Just what would TIGER do? says the husband.



Well we would do it again!



Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed.

This same thing happens two more times,after which the guy is pretty tired.



So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.

The wife says..youre not calling room service are you!!!!

NO, says the exhausted hubby!

Well who are you calling then, she asks.



Im calling Tiger Woods…

I want to see what par is for this hole!

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a lawyer?

A: Chelsea.

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. Im doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and Im starting to get the hang of this.

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadnt radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, I dont know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!

Gilda Radner

During World War II the Little Moron was drafted into the U. S. Army. He went to Fort Benning for basic training. His blunders resulted in frequent KP duties. In the companys kitchen, his sergeant noticed yet another peculiar behavior.

Sergeant: Hey, you little moron, why are you saluting that refrigerator?

LM: Sir, I thought it was General Electric, sir.

Their windows fell out.

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?

The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis

Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!

-I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!

-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!

-Sorry Im late. I was playing with Mypenis.

-Im sorry officer, I didnt realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.

-Mypenis doesnt come when I call it.

-Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

-If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!

-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesnt like cold water.

-At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.

-Mypenis likes it when people pet him.

-Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!

-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

-Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.

-I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.

-I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

-Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.

-I think Mypenis is getting old because he wont get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

-Mypenis got out last night. I think hes sleeping with the lady next door.

-HELP! Mypenis is lost…can you help me find him?

-Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.

-Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.

-Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.

-Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.

-Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!

-Do you think you could feed Mypenis while Im on vacation?

-I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.

-When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang its head out.

Thousands of people flock to the annual Burning Man festival in The Black Rock Desert north of Reno, Nevada.
 

 
At this big hippie festival, people run around naked, drink and do drugs, or as George W. Bush likes to call it, get ready to run for President.