Old and New Jokes

There was this little boy who workes on a market stall he had a bald head and a blind man came up to him and rubbed his head and said how much is this watermelon

After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander
was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically
performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them
that Her Majestys Army had committed to reward each of the three
soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different
parts of the mans body.

The commander addressed the first soldier, Where would you like
to be measured, Sergeant? From the tip of me head to the soles
of me feet, Sir! he replied. Very good!, the commander said,
and the sergeant was measured at 65. He was paid the handsome
sum of 7000 pounds.

The second soldier was asked, What about you, Corporal? Between
the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir! the corporal
said. Very good! replied the commander. The corporal, a man of
considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid.

Finally, the last soldier was addressed. And you, Private, where
would you like measured? From the tip of me penis to the base of
me balls, Sir! retorted the private. The commander replied, I must
admit this is quite an unusual request, Private, but its your
decision. He ordered the private to drop his pants for the ensuing
measurement. Immediately the generals mouth fell agape and he
stammered, Where in Gods name are your gonads, Private?!!
The private proclaimed, Goose Green, Falkland Islands, Sir!!

The President of the United States, George W. Bush, has asked that all Americans and Canadians unite together in a common cause to root out terrorists hiding in our community.

Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, on Saturday afternoon at 2:00 p.m. EST, all North American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of your house to prove that you think its ok to see other women nude. (Since they do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

Names and addresses of non-participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.

The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your efforts.

Once there was this brunette who was driving her corvette with the wind in her hair.

She looked and she saw a farmer with a flock of sheep so she drove over and asked the farmer if I can guess how many sheep in youre flock will you give me a sheep.

The farmer says OK.

The brunette says 485.

The farmer says thats right but if I can guess youre natural hair color can I have my sheep back.

the brunette says OK.

The farmer says blonde.

The brunette says how did you know.

The farmer says you just picked the dog.

I read about this in an AP newswire and rewrote it in my own words to avoid copyright problems:

It seems that a diehard fan of the soccer club Real Betis died last year. But he asked his son to take his remains to every game.

So sonny boy did one better: he renewed his membership, entitling the ashes to a seat at the games…

Well, this is not the end to it: the management of the field asked him not to bring his fathers ashes anymore, because they were in a glass urn, which they considered a dangerous object :-O

So the son went back next match with the ashes in a cardboard box. Incredible but true…

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Your screen door has no screen.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None — Hell only promise change.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!

A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.

He was such a poor sailor tht he got seasick at the sight of salt water
taffy.