A recent TASS headline:
SPACE IS NO ESCAPE FROM DIMWIT BUREAUCRATS
A soviet officer faces charges that he failed to respond to four
notifications for army reserve service. Since November, however, he
has been orbiting earth in a space station. I guess the mail service
just isnt all its cracked up to be…
A guy enters a drugstore and lights up a cigar.
The owner, a bit outraged, says Sir, please refrain from smoking here, it is a public place..
A bit bewildered, the guy answers But it is only yesterday I bought those cigars here.
The owner quietly replies : Irrelevant, sir, we also sell condoms here!
An old rodeo announcers joke…
Q: What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young
woman doesnt?
A: A navel.
Esta es una isla donde capan a los hombres cuando llegan a los treinta. Se acerca un grupo de sentenciados y el verdugo le pregunta al primero. ¿Cuál es su trabajo. Yo soy carpintero.
Saca un serrucho y se lo rebana de una.
Le pregunta al segundo. ¿A qué se dedica? Yo soy obrero.
Saca un ladrillo y se las revienta de una pedrada.
Al tercero le pregunta su oficio y responde que es carnicero. Igualmente saca un cuchillo mata ganado y se lo tasajea al instante.
Finalmente hay un tipo muerto de la risa y le dice el verdugo, ¿Huevón y usted de qué se rÃe?
Y el tipo le contesta:
¡Es que yo soy paletero y me lo va tener que chupar hasta que se me caiga!
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a silent debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and said, I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay.
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened.
The Pope said, First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened.
Well, said Moishe, first he said to me, You Jews have three days to get out of here. So I said to him, Up yours. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews … we stay right here!
And then? asked a woman.
Who knows? said Rabbi Moishe. We broke for lunch.
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wifes dentures… and I couldnt stop talking!
A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled Who is it?
And the person ringing the door bell yelled, Im the blind man.
So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didnt bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.
She opened the door and said, What do you want?, and the man said, Im here to check your blinds.
Obviously you are unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts
into your blighted and retarded world view.
Remember to never split an infinitive.
Breakfast
1/2 grapefruit
1 piece whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
Lunch
4 oz. lean broiled chicken
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie
Herb Tea
Mid-Afternoon Snack
Rest of package of Oreo cookies
1 quart Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 jar Hot Fudge
Dinner
2 loaves Garlic Bread
1 large Mushroom and Pepperoni pizza
1 large pitcher of Root Beer
3 Milky Ways
Entire frozen Cheesecake eaten directly from freezer