Old and New Jokes

A boy came home from school one day. His father asked him how his day was and the boy said, Well Dad, I looked stupid because I did not know the difference between potential and reality.

His dad says, Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with our next door neighbor for a million dollars.

He came back with a shocked look on his face and said, Dad, she said, Yes!.

OK son, now go and ask your sister the same question.

A few minutes later he came back, shocked again. Dad, she said, Yes! also!

His dad told him, There you go.

His son looked at him, puzzled. Dad I still dont understand.

Look son, POTENTIALLY we are multi-millionaires, but in REALITY we are dead broke and living with a couple of whores.

Un Doctor acababa de tener una larga sesión de sexo con uno de sus pacientes. Mientras descansaba comenzó a sentirse un poco culpable, pues pensaba que lo que hacía no era ético. En eso un pequeño demonio apareció sobre uno de sus hombros y le dijo: Tranquilo, muchos doctores tienen sexo con sus pacientes; ya ves, tú no eres ni el primero ni el último.

Esto hizo sentir al doctor un poco mejor, hasta que otro demonio apareció en su hombro y dijo: Sí, idiota, pero los otros doctores no son veterinarios.

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side.

Bush interrupted, Well, thats normal, isnt it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?

The doctor replied, Thats true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isnt anything right, while on the right side there isnt anything left.

Do you mind if I smoke?

I dont care if you burst into flames and die.

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and wont be able to go to work. Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, Are you really going to let him get away with this? No, I guess not, says God. The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesnt bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one. Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, Why did you let him do that? To this God says, Whos he going to tell?

In the beginning there was a Plan.

And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the faces of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, It is a crock of shit and it stinks.

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, It is a pail of dung we can not live with the smell. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, It is a container of excrement and it is very strong and none may abide by it.

And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength.

And the Directors spoke among themselves saying to one another, It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong.

And the Directors went unto their Vice Presidents saying unto them, It promotes growth and it is very powerful.

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President saying unto him, This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the Company with very powerful effects.

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy.

And that is how Shit happens.

Q.What do you call a buncha Blondes in a freezer???

A. Frosted Flakes

BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORE



Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?





Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?



Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.



Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.



BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE



Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?



Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.



Customer: Depends on what?



Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.



Customer: How about giving me an average price?



Clerk: Wow, thats too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.



Customer: Whats the difference in the paint?



Clerk: Oh, there isnt any difference; its all the same paint.



Customer: Well, then, Id like some of that $9 paint.



Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?



Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.



Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.



Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?



Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.



Customer: Youve got to be kidding!



Clerk: Sir, we dont kid around here. Of course, Ill have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.



Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.



Clerk: Just because you can see it doesnt mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.



Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!



Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you havent actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?



Customer: I dont know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.



Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you cant do that. If you buy the paint and then dont use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.



Customer: What?



Clerk: Thats right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.



Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!



Clerk: Sir, theres no point in getting upset; thats just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you dont, it just causes us all sorts of problems.



Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I dont keep painting until after Saturday night!



Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.



Customer: Well, that does it! Im going somewhere else to buy my paint.



Clerk: That wont do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for painting with our airline.

The Wall Street Journal reported in September that about 100 laughing clubs had sprung up in India in the last year based on the philosophy of Dr. Madan Kataria, who says the ancient yoga breathing and laughing exercises can help people shed inhibitions, build self-confidence, stop smoking, alleviate high blood pressure and arthritis, and stop migraine headaches.

After conventional stretching, adherents engage in silent laughs, out-loud laughs with their lips closed, and the roaring Bombay laugh. Dr. Kataria worries only that some day, the Indian government might try to tax laughter.

Gentlemen:

Just received the letter regarding the bill I owe you, stating you would cause me trouble as you thought the bill should have been paid long ago and you couldnt see why it wasnt.

When you talk about trouble, let me enlighten you. In 1947, I bought a sawmill on time payments. In 1948, I bought an ox cart, two oxen, a breech-loading shotgun, a tractor, a Colt revolver, a pair of razorback hogs. In 1949, the sawmill burned down and didnt leave me a damned thing but a pile of ashes. One of the oxen died and I loaned the other to a son-of-a-bitch who let it starve to death.

In 1950, I joined the church. My father died and my brother was hung for horse stealing. A railroad worker knocked-up my daughter and I had to pay a doctor $38.00 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.

In 1951, one of my boys got the mumps and they fell on him. He had to be castrated to save his life. One day I went fishing, the boat turned over and I lost the biggest fish I have ever seen! Two of my boys drowned (neither one of them was the castrated one).

My wife was a cold potato. I had trouble getting her to go off, so I went to the doctor and he advised me to create excitement about the time she was ready to climax. So I stuck my breech-loading shotgun out the window and fired. Well, to make a long story short, my wife shit in the bed, I ruptured myself and I killed the best cow I ever owned.

In 1955, the rest of my buildings burned down and I took to drinking. I didnt stop this habit until I had nothing left but a waterproof watch and kidney trouble. So for some time all I did was wind my watch and piss in my pants.

During the following year, I came to my senses and decided to give it another try. I bought a binder, a threshing machine and a manure spreader. Sure enough a cyclone came along and carried everything into the next county.

My wife caught the clap from a traveling salesman and my boy wiped his ass with a corn cob that had been soaked with rat poison and died. Now I am so broke that if it cost me a nickel to shit Id have to vomit. So, trying to get money out of me would be like trying to shove butter up a wildcats ass with a knitting needle.

And you say YOU can cause me trouble …

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