Old and New Jokes

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular
trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their
hotel and were shown to their room, the man said:

You rest here while I register – Ill be back within an hour.

The wife lies down on the bed… just then, an elevated train passes
by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard shes thrown out
of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrance, she lies down once more. Again
a train shakes the room so violently, shes pitched to the floor. Exasperated,
she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager
says hell be right up.

The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is
true.
Look,… lie here on the bed – youll be thrown right to the floor!
So he lies down next to the wife… Just then the husband walks in.

What, he says, are you doing here?

The manager replies:

Would you believe Im waiting for a train?

Jim Borza
Communication Factors – Fremont, CA (415) 797-3039
Sun Microsystems – Milpitas, CA

Two women are discussing marriage, and one says, Weve been married 10 years, and every night my husband has complained about the dinner. Not one night without complaining about the food.

Thats awful, the other woman says. That must really bother you.

No, not in the slightest, says the first one.

You must be a saint, her friend says.

Why should I object? the first one says. A lot of people dont like their own cooking.

Lightbulb?!? Ha! You havnt switched to iso-tritainium strips yet!

Hella!

I hope you will enjoy this since it humorous as well as instructive.

Do not use computerese, jargon, argot, newspeak, or British when expressing yourself in the American English Language.
Subject and verb always has to agree.
Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions. Avoid archaeic spellings too.
Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.
Avoid cliches like the very plague.
Mixed metaphors are a pain in the ass and should be thrown out the window.
Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
Use your spell checker to avoid mispelling and to catch typograhpical errors.
Dont be redundant.
Dont repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
Remember to never split an infinitive.
The passive voice should not be used.
Use the apostrophe in its proper place and omit it when its not needed.
Dont never use no double negatives.
Poofread carefully to see if you have any words out.
Check carefully for grammatical errers.
Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Avoid colloquial stuff.
Eschew obfuscation.
No sentence fragments.
A preposition is never a proper word to end a sentence with.
Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.
Dont indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
And always be sure to finish what

Whats the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?

No one cries when you cut up a bagpipe.

The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says Honey, look what I won at bingo.

Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says,Honey look what I won at bingo.

Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says Honey, look what I won at bingo.

The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks – Honey shall I draw you a bath? To which she replies Why sure.

As the wife enters the tub she notices there is less than a inch of water in the tub.

She asks how am I supposed to take a bath in this amount of water?

To which the husband replies…

I wouldnt want you to get your bingo card wet!

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying Ehhhh .. 22!.

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. And can you tell us your height, please?.

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces Five foot two!.

This isnt looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying Mandy!.

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?

Ohh that!, replies the blonde, Thats just me running through Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor checked up at the end of the day and found that she had completed four miles on her first day, double the average!



Great, he told her, I think youre really going to work out.



The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, Well shes still at the average and I dont want to discourage her, so Ill just keep quiet.



The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, I need to talk to her before this gets any worse. The boss talked the new employee and said, You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? Whats keeping you from meeting the two mile minimum?



The blonde replied, Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket.