Old and New Jokes

The class discussion centered on the universitys coed dorms. While the professor said this cohabitation of men and women reflected the newer generations relaxed ethical standards, many students disagreed. Finally one student asked, You mean you never walked into a womans dorm after hours when you were in college?Never, the teacher replied firmly. I had to climb in through the window.

A couple agreed that whoever died first would come back and inform the other about the after life. The womans biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

The husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. Mary… Mary…

Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed.

Well, what is it like?

Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime.  And, then, I start all over again the next day.

Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven.

Hell no, Mary, Im a rabbit in Kansas.

Things Not To Say During Sex

Girls shouldnt say:

You woke me up for that? Do you smell something burning? Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! Got any penicillin? Smile, youre on Candid Camera! I want a baby! But everybody looks funny naked! Did I mention the video camera? So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth… Did you know the ceiling needs painting? Did I remember to take my pill? That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldnt work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance… Youre almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps youre just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! Theyre not cracker crumbs, its just a rash. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? I have a confession… I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Did I mention my transsexual operation? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please I think biting is romantic- dont you? When would you like to meet my parents? Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like? Have you seen Fatal Attraction? Dont mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. I hope I didnt forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Dont worry, my dogs really friendly for a Doberman. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper… Ill bet you didnt know I work for The Enquirer. So thats why they call you MR. Flash! Please understand that Im only doing this for a raise… ——————————-

Guys shouldnt say:

A little rug burn never hurt anyone! (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? On second thought, lets turn off the lights. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! Hope youre as good looking when Im sober… (holding a banana) Its just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? But I just brushed my teeth… I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! Youre good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Are you sure I dont know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel… No, really… I do this part better myself! Its nice being in bed with a woman I dont have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people… That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? Now I know why he dumped you… Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didnt even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? Youll still vote for me, wont you? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! Ill tell you who Im fanatasizing about if you tell me who youre fantasizing about… A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? You can cook, too right? Sorry about the name tags, Im not very good with names. You could at least ACT like youre enjoying it! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? Ive slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friends turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses… How long do you plan to be almost there? You mean youre NOT my blind date?

Whereas, on an occasion immediately
preceding the Nativity festival,
throughout a certain dwelling unit,
quiet descended, in which could be heard
no disturbance, not even the sound
emitted by a diminutive rodent related
to, and in form resembling, a rat; and

Whereas, the offspring of the
occupants had affixed their tubular,
closely knit coverings for the nether
limbs to the flue of the fireplace in
expectation that a personage known as
St.Nicholas would arrive; and

Whereas, said offspring had become
somnolent, and were entertaining re:
saccharine-flavored fruit; and

Whereas, the adult male of the
family, et ux, attired in proper
headgear, had also become quiescent in
anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and

Whereas, a distraction on the snowy
acreage outside aroused the owner to
investigate; and

Whereas, he perceived in a most
unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled
by eight domesticated quadrapeds of a
species found in artic regions; and

Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman
was entreating the aforesaid animals by
their appellations, as follows:

Your immediate co-operation is
requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and
Vixen; and collective action by you will
be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid,
Donder, and Blitzen; and

Whereas, subsequent to the above,
there occurred a swift descent to the
hearth by the aforementioned gentleman,
where he proceeded to deposit gratuities
in the aforementioned tubular coverings.

Now, therefore, be ye advised:
that upon completion of these acts,
and upon his return to his original
point of departure, he proclaimed
a felicitation of the type prevalent
and suitable to these occasions, ie:

Merry Christmas to All and to All a
Good Night!

Four guys were in an airplane, which was going down in flames. There were only 3 parachutes, though.

The reverand says I should go! everybody needs religion! they agree and he jumps.

Another guy says Im the smartest man on earth! If I die, everyone goes broke! so he jumps.

The old guy says to the hipee I am old, and you have a whole life ahead of you, so you jump.

But the hipee replies Chill dude! We can both go! the smartest man on earth forgot the parachute!

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?

Bill thought for a while and said, I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.

Hillary was shocked, but said, I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years weve been together.

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Hillary asked Bill –

So why do you have all that money in the box?

Bill answered, Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans…

I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash!

A panda walks into a bar and orders a packet of nuts. When hes finished, he pulls out a gun and shoots the barman.Later on the police make an enquiry, but noone saw it. Once again the panda comes in along with some regulars. He orders another pack of nuts, eats them, shoots the barman and walks out. The next day when one of the regulars saw the panda he asked why he shot both barmen. The panda took out a dictionary and pointed at panda.It said: Panda:eats shoots and leaves

What do you call a blonde in a freezer?

A frosted Flake!

Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!

Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They cant. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.