Old and New Jokes

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence–a life sentence.

Two salesmen, Joe and Mike were stranded by a winter storm and took refuge in an old farmhouse occupied by an attractive single woman.

In the middle of the night, Joe heard Mike sneak out of bed and into the womans room. Joe said nothing about it until nine months later when a registered letter arrived at his office.

Clutching the letter, he walked into Mikes office. Do you remember the night we were stranded by that snowstorm and you sneaked out of your room to be with that woman? he asked.

Yes, Mike replied.

You told her you were me, didnt you? Joe demanded.

Yes, I did, Mike said nervously. Why do you ask?

Because, Joe replied, she just died and left me a fortune!

(told to me by a friend)

Ok, so I dont mind Canadas new Shiny Gold (coloured) $1 coins,
but some of our government officials are having a hard time with them.

They are spending hours trying to take the foil wrapper off
to get at the chocolate inside!

You might be a redneck if…
You think a cursor is someone who swears a lot.

A womens lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, Where would man be today if it were not for woman? She paused a moment and looked around the room.

I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?

From the back of the room came a voice… Hed still be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries!

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.

Care to go upstairs and have a shag? the husband asks.

Sshhh said the bride. All the neighbors will know what were about to do. These walls are paper-thin. In the future, well have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, Have you left the washing machine door open instead?

So the following night, the husband asks, I dont suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?

No, I definitely shut it, replied the wife who rolled over and went to sleep.

When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little randy herself and she nudged her husband and said,
I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?

No thanks, said the husband, it was only a small load and Ive done it by hand.

You might be a redneck Jedi if…

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniels.

You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok… without using the word chicken.

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

Your master ever said My finger you will pull..hmmm?

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didnt have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

Your father has ever said to you, Shoot, son come on over t the dark side.. .itll be a hoot.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.

The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks cant find it.

You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.

You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.

More than half the droids you own dont function.

The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.

You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.

You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.

Your moonshine is made on a real moon.

You dont like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.

Sandpeople back down from your mama.

Youve ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.

Youve ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.

You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.

Youve ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.

A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave.

You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.

You dont think the Ewoks are primitive.

You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.

You dont think Jabbas pig guards have a hygiene problem.

The Rancor monster refused to eat you.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
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A: Tell her a joke on Monday.

Do u now how to tell when a laywer is lying



when his mouth moves.

No two identical parts are exactly alike.