Old and New Jokes

A man was telling his neighbour, I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. Its perfect.
Really, answered the neighbor. What kind is it?
Twelve thirty.

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.



When she asked him why, he said, I want to ask you something, but I dont want to offend you.



She said, You cant offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything.



The cab driver then said, Well, Ive always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job.



She said, Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic.



Immediately the cab driver said, Oh, yes! Im single and Im Catholic!



The nun said, Okay, pull into that alley.



The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.



The nun said, My child, whats the matter?



He said tearfully, Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied…Im married and Im Jewish!



The nun replied, Thats okay. My names Bruce and Im on my way to a costume party!

His hand caught on fire.

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
Scuse me, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, what was that all about? Nothin, said the Irishman, my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!

COWS: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that the United States government can track a cow born nearly three years ago in Canada, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And then track her calves right to their current stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each one a cow.THE CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why dont we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart
guys, its worked for over 200 years and were not using it anymore.THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.

Doctor: Youre in good health. Youll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton dodging the draft: Do I care if he evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does. [Mr. Kerrey lost a leg in Vietnam]

Tres ermitaños, a los que casi no les gusta hablar, se encuentran sentados a la entrada de una cueva; en eso, pasa un caballo a toda prisa. Un año después, el primero de ellos dice:

¡Ah, qué bonito caballo bayo!

Pasa otro año más y el segundo de ellos comenta:

No era bayo, era retinto.

Dos años después, el último de los anacoretas advierte:

¡Donde sigan discutiendo, me largo de aquí!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

78. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?