Old and New Jokes

¿En qué se parecen los hombres a los robots?

En que no tienen cerebro, no saben hacer nada sin las instrucciones oportunas, son muy artificiales y cuando no valen para nada, los tiras a reciclar y los cambias por uno más eficiente.

The Roslin lab in Scotland is scheduled for a government budget cut.
But that wont have much effect, says Michael X. Ferraro. Once
youve cloned sheep, its not that difficult to counterfeit money.

A Charlotte, NC man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive
cigars, insured them against… get this… fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and
having yet to make a single payment on the policy, the man filed a claim
against the insurance company. In his claim, he stated that he had lost
the cigars in a series of small fires.

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the
man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued… and
won!

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy
from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable,
and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without
defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire, it was obligated to
compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the judges ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare
cigars he lost in the fires.

After the man cashed his cheque however, the insurance company had him
arrested… on 24 counts of arson ! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was
convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24
consecutive one year terms…

Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyers

office one Monday morning. I want you to begin divorce

proceedings, she announced.

The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?

Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, We wanted to wait until all the children were dead.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George!

I heard this on the radio this morning. (Paraphrased by myself.)

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up.
When his wife sees him she asks, What happened to you?

I got into a fight with the apartment manager.

Whatever for?

He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!

Hmmm. I bet its that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor.

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?A: One. The rest are all true stories.

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, Ill give you both of em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um… five?"

This guys wife was always wanting to go golfing with him and he
said he didnt think she would enjoy it. She kept pressuring
him and finally he gave in.

So theyre on the golf course and on the first hole the guy hits
one 300 yards down the middle of the fairway, hits his second
shot three feet from the pin, and putts for a birdie. This
lucky streak continues and he birdies 5 straight holes.
Then they get to the 6th hole. He takes his driver and hooks
one way out into the left rough behind a barn. They search and
search and find the ball, and he says to his wife, Ill just
take a penalty and drop the ball out in the fairway.

His wife says, Wait a minute! She walks over to the barn and
opens the door on one end and then goes to the other end and
opens that door too. She says, Look, honey, you can see the
hole from here! The way youve been playing, just hit through
the barn and youll do okay.

So he grabs a 3 iron and takes a healthy swat, and it ricochets
off the barn and hits his wife right between the eyes, killing
her instantly.

The grief-stricken man didnt play golf for several years after
his wifes death. Until one day, his friends finally talk him
into a foursome. They go to the same course, and amazingly,
he again birdies the first 5 holes. They get to the 6th tee and
he hits another vicious hook behind the same barn! They finally
find the ball and the guy says he will take a penalty drop in
the fairway. One of his buddies says, Wait a minute! and runs
and opens the barn doors.

The guy screams at him, You dirty SOB, the last time I tried
that, I took a 9 on this hole!!

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.