Old and New Jokes

¿Güeno?, se oye la voz de la sirvienta.

Hola, dice José Antonio, está la señora cerca del teléfono?

No, tá ya arriba, en el cuarto, con un siñor.

Tras una breve pausa, José Antonio le reclama:

¡Pero si yo soy el marido!

¡Ah, yo no sé!

De acuerdo, entonces esto es lo que quiero que hagas: deja el teléfono, corre escaleras arriba y llama a la puerta del dormitorio; grítales que su marido acaba de llegar en el carro a la puerta de la casa.

Güeno, siñor ¿y si se pone brava la señora?

¡Pues no me importa, y hazlo!

Unos minutos más tarde, la muchacha vuelve al teléfono.

Ya hice lo que me dijo.

¿Y qué pasó?

Güeno, la señora saltó de la cama, sin ropa, corrió al baño, se resbaló y se desnucó… ¡y pos se mató!

¡Oh, Dios mío! ¿Y qué ha pasado con el señor?

Él también se levantó de la cama sin ropa. Tenía mucho miedo y saltó por la ventana de atrás a la piscina, pero se le olvidó que la semana pasada la vaciaron pa limpiarla, así que también se mató.

Hay una pausa larga, y entonces José Antonio inquiere:

¿Piscina? ¡¿Pues adónde hablo?!

Q:HOW MANY JEWS CAN YOU FIT IN A CAR

A:ONE HUNDRED, TWO IN THE FRONT, THREE IN THE BACK, AND NINETY FIVE IN THE ASH TRAY

Teacher: If you had six apples and I asked you for three, how many would you have left?

Student: Six.

Why does Monica Lewinsky have chubby cheeks?

Shes withholding evidence!

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

Would you mind telling me, Doctor, she asked, how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?

Thats easy, he replied. You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track.

What sort of question would you ask Doctor?

Well, you might ask them…
Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.
Which one?

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh –
You wouldnt happen to have another example would you?
I must confess I dont know much about history.
(DOH!)

A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I dont know son, Im still paying! ~~~ First guy (proudly): My wifes an angel! Second guy: Youre lucky, mines still alive.

You might be a redneck if…
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

Q: How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None, theyre afraid theres been too much development already.

The Indian Top 10:

1. Tears on My Pillau.

2. Its my chappalti and Ill cry if I want to.

3. Tikka Chance on Me.

4. Scatnaan.

5. Korma Korma Chameleon.

6. Whats the Story Morning Tandoori.

7. Easy like Sanjay Morning.

8. You Cant Curry Love.

9. Poppadum Preach.

10. Sheikh Your Body. All available on the fantastic new album, Turban Hymns by Donner Summer.

Bohemian Curry (sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen)

Naan-aa, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle, now hes dead.
Naan-aa, dinner just begun
But now Im going to crap it all away.
Naan-aa,
ooh-ooh
Didnt mean to make you cry,
Seen nothin yet just see the loo tomorrow,
Curry on, Curry on,
cause nothing really madras.
Too late, my dinners gone
Sends shivers up my spine
Rectum aching all the time.
Goodbye every bhaji, Ive got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan-aa,
ooh-ooh,
This Dopiazas mild,
I sometimes wish wed never come here at all…

(Guitar solo)
I see a little chicken tikka on the side,
Rogan Josh,
Rogan Josh
Pass the chutney made of mango.
Vindaloo does nicely
Nery very spicy
ME!
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani and a naan,
(A vindaloo loo looo… )
Ive eaten balti, somebody help me
Hes eaten balti, get him to a lavatory,
Stand you well back
Cause this loo is quarantined.
Here it comes,
There it goes,
Technicolor yawn.
I chunder
No!
Its coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder
Its coming up again
(There he goes)
Its coming up again, (Up again) Coming up again (up again)
Here it comes again
(No no no no no no no no no No).
On my knees, Im on my knees, Im on my knees, Oh there he goes
This vindaloo is about to wreck my guts
Poor me… Poor me… Poor me!

(Guitar solo)

So you think you can chunder and still its all right?
So you want to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Ooh maybe, now youll puke like a baby,
just had to come out,
just had to come right out in here…

(Guitar solo)

Korma, saag or bhuna,
Balti, naan, bhaji.
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference to me.

One day a kid was walking down the street and was getting all of these funny looks.He waent to his girlfriends house and her mom ansered the door.She screamed and said that he wasnt aloud to see her any more.When he went home more people were starring and laughing.As he walked to his room his mother said that he had to go to the doctor. He didnt know what she meant. When they got there the nurse got them in right away. As they were waiting for the doctor he glanced in the mirror.

Oh shit my nose looks like my dick but bigger! The Doctor came in and said that his body was making up for not being big in the pants.