A New Jersey resident was surprised to read the patient counseling instructions a local pharmacist typed onto a recent prescription for her cat.
It warned… Do not mix with alcohol. Use caution when driving or operating machinery.
The cats owner stated, We had no idea what the cat was up to when he felt good!
From: ksullivan (Keiths Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List)
Yo mammas so retarded, she thinks "yo mama" jokes are funny.
A
woman was walking down the street when she was approached
by a man. The man said, "I must have you right
now! Ill drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in
the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my
way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait
a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone
and told her about the mans proposition. Her girlfriend
said "When he drops the $500 on the ground Im
sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his
pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend
back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"
Q: Whats the blondes cheer?
A: Im blonde, Im blonde, Im B.L.O.N… ah, oh well… Im blonde, Im blonde, yea yea yea…
A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. You only have six months to live.
The man sits for a while thinking, and then says, Theres only one thing I can do, Im going to become a Communist.
The doctor asks,Youve been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?
The man says, Better one of them should die than one of us!
Why did Mark Chapman shoot John Lennon?
Yoko ducked.
I heard this one at a comedy club in San Jose, CA
Larry Lopez
The father of 17 kids goes to the docs with a rash on his belly.
All right says the Doc, drop em and lets have a look.
Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims Yes, youve got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls youve got. Theyre truly remarkable!.
The patient is a bit embarrassed and says Look Doc, what about the rash?
Oh thats easy, said the Doc, Heres some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask…..
No, said the patient, You cant. Now, is that all Doc?
Well, said the Doctor, You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day, and those really are the brownest balls Ive ever seen!
The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.
What?
she yells, Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I havent even got time to wipe my arse!
Ah he said, And thats another thing I wanted to talk to you about…
A geophysicist is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.
Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like, a serious bummer.
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didnt study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
Theyre multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off. — Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. — Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
Were going to turn this team around 360 degrees. — Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
Im not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. — Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. — Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
Its like deja vu all over again. — Yogi Berra
China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese — Former French President Charles De Gaulle
The loss of life will be irreplaceable. — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and Im just the one to do it. — A congressional candidate in Texas
It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody. — Richard M. Nixon
The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet. — Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. — Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money. — Everett Dirksen
A verbal contract isnt worth the paper its written on. — Samuel Goldwyn
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values
I dont feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves. — John Wayne
Half this game is ninety percent mental. — Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
It isnt pollution thats harming the environment. Its the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. — General William Westmoreland
What a waste it is to lose ones mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line a mind is a terrible thing to waste
If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet. — Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
I stand by all the misstatements that Ive made. — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle