As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dogs mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dogs a genius!"The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. Its the second time this week hes forgotten his key!"

The aged patient doddered into the doctors office with a serious complaint. Doc, youve got to do something to lower my sex drive.Come on now, Mr. Peters, the doctor said, your sex drives all in your head.Thats what I mean, youve got to lower it a little.

I have a friend who became tired of reading the Dont blame me, I voted for Bush bumperstickers. This was his response.

As many of you can attest, I dont feel my day is complete unless I offend as many ultra conservative politically right wing religious zealots as I can.

Accordingly, I have attached a picture frame device to the rear window of my truck.

It holds an 8-1/2 x 11 bumper sticker I print out in 100-point type on my laser printer.

Here are some of the ones Ive used so far that really seem to annoy our local rednecks:

Dont Blame Me… I *never* voted for Bush
Stop Subsidizing Millionaires… No More Tax Money for Pro Football!
Judaism… Good Enough for Jesus, Good Enough for Me
Jesus is OK, Falwell and Robertson are NOT
Bob Dole & Phil Gramm: The Original Whine Boys
Abortion is Not Murder, But Shooting a Doctor is
Reagan Was Wrong.. About Everything!
Florida… A Right to Work for Less State

Numbers 1,3 and 8 seem to get the most reaction when I pull into the post office parking lot to pick up the daily box mail.

Most people I encounter, surprisingly, agree with the sentiments in bumper sticker 8.

A teacher asks her class, If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? She calls on little Johnny. He replies, None, they all fly away with the first gun shot The teacher replies, The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking. Then, Little Johnny says I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone To which Little Johnny replied, The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Did anyone see the luge? Its a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno)

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka.

A little girl asks her Mom, May I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom says, No honey, the dog is in heat.
Whats that mean? asked the child.

Go ask your Father. I think hes in the garage.
The little girl goes to the garage and says, Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you.

Her Dad said, Bring Susie over here.

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dogs rear end with it and said, Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block.

The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Her Dad asks, Wheres Susie?

The girl replies, Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and theres another dog pushing her home!

The grave of Karl Marx is just another communist plot.