Old and New Jokes

Theres this young couple, Louise and Al, theyve been married for about a year, and the bride isnt getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. Shes getting increasingly rampant as the days go on,

but each night she is disappointed.

Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties and bra.

As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11 pm (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Louise re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Als first words are, Right woman, get upstairs – into the bedroom.

YES! she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, This is the night, Im gonna get some!

When Louise reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace panties – ready for Al, as he stomps up the stairs. As Al pushes the bedroom door open he says, Right, now get your clothes off!

Louise doesnt need telling twice, its off with everything. Now get over in front of the mirror..,

Kinky! she thinks. Great!

and do a handstand…

Oh god, Ive been waiting for this for ages, thinks Louise…

Al walks over to Louise, parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch… Perhaps the guys at the bar were right, a beard would suit me!

Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.

1. Act out your version of a company takeover.

There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar.

The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.

After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, Well, I have a tattoo, too!

The men all look surprised.

The woman continues, I have a tattoo of a cute little grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?

The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman..

Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.

One of the men asks, Whats wrong, sweet lady?

The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, Oh, nothing, I cant show you my little mouse tattoo after all. My pussy must have eaten it.

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there. Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog.

The farmer replied, Well, you know, dogs dont talk.

The ventriloquist said, Youd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?

The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog.

Hi there, Mr. dog, said the ventriloquist. How does the farmer treat you? To which the dog replied, Oh, hes great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!

Needless to say, the farmer was dumfounded. Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmers horse.

Well, you know, horses dont talk.

Again the ventriloquist said, Youd be surprised what a horse might tell you. So the farmer brought out his horse. Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you? asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, Oh, I think hes great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!

Again the farmer was amazed. Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?

Well, declared the farmer, Sheep lie, ya know.

En una fiesta los organizadores se dieron cuenta de que había muchas más personas de las que habían invitado.

Entonces dijo el mero mero de la fiesta, Ahora sí los voy a chingar. Y toma el micrófono y dice, Los invitados de la novia que se pasen del lado izquierdo, y los invitados del novio que se pasen del lado derecho.

Todos corrieron para los lados, y sólo unas 10 personas se quedaron en medio.

Y dice el de la fiesta, ¡Todos se me van a la mierda, porque este es un bautizo no una boda!

A: To try to forget.

Q: Whats a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Hump me Dump me.

Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washingtons nose!

This story was told to me by a family friend who is an Illinois State
Trooper. One day he was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When
he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone
at a chicken place getting into his car. He placed the bucket of chicken
on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still atop his car.

So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service
by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car,
pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver. The driver looks
at the trooper and says, No thanks, I just bought some.

Dave Vollman – AT&T Bell Laboratories – Naperville, IL