Old and New Jokes

Two boys are playing football in a Pennsylvania State Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A Post Gazette reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.

Young Steelers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal, he starts writing in his notebook.

But Im not a Steelers fan, the little hero replied.

Sorry, since we are in Pennsylvania, I just assumed you were, said the reporter and starts again.

Little Eagles Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack he continued writing in his notebook.

Im not an Eagles fan either, the boy said.

I assumed everyone in Pennsylvania was either for the Steelers or the Eagles. What team do you root for? the reporter asked.

Im a Browns fan, the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, Juvenile Cleveland Fan Brutally Kills Beloved Family Pet.

What is your IQ?Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, hell ask his guests what their I.Q. is–hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there.

The day of Bobs party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is.

200,000 replies the first guest.

Well, thats great, says Bob, lets talk about ethereal astro physics.

Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.

Later in the party, someone else is at the door. Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, whats your I.Q.?

The new guest responds with 250.

Great, says Bob. Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile.

Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. Hi, my names Bob; welcome to my party, whats your I.Q.?

This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it five.

Well, thats great, says Bob, what kind of drumsticks do you use?

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that shed take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy My name is Johnny Fuckhauer.

So she said Therell be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!.

The kid said No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you dont believe me!

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.

The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?

Hell no! replied a little kid from the front row, We dont even get a cookie break!

Están tomando unos luchadores en una cantina y de pronto un mesero joto (homosexual) se acerca a no de ellos y le dice:

Qué brazotes, déjame tocarlos.

Y el luchador le dice, Tócalos, para que veas.

El joto dice, Qué piernotas, qué espaldota, ¿me dejas meterte una llave?

El luchador le contesta, No, cómo crees, no puedes conmigo.

Sí, sí, déjame meterte una llave.

Tanto estuvo insistiendo, hasta que por fin le dice el luchador, Andale pues, méteme una llave.

Y el joto sin inmutarse le mete una llave en la bolsa de la camisa y le dice: Cuarto 201.

One day a frog went to the teller at the bank. The frog noticed that the nametag on the tellers shirt red Pat Whack. The teller asks who he is. The frog says he is McJaggerts son. The frog said he like to take out a $10,000 loan. She replied, that is alot of money, what have you got for collateral? The frog handed her a little plastic pig. Pat whack asks the frog what is. The frog said, I dont know. Pat Whack goes to talk to her manager. Pat Whack said to her manager a frog wants to take out a loan for $10,000 and use this as collateral. What is this? Her manager replies its a nic-nac patty whack give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone!

Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29.

INTERNET woman:
Woman of difficult access.
SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.
WINDOWS woman:
Everyone knows that she cant do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
EXCEL woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.
D.O.S woman:
Everyone had her at least once, but no one wants her anymore.
VIRUS woman:
Also known as wife; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you dont try to uninstall her you will lose everything.
SCREENSAVER woman:
She is not worth for anything, but at least she is fun!
RAM woman:
She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.
HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOR EVER.
MULTIMEDIA woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
USER woman:
She fucks up everything she does and she asks always more than she needs.
CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are bullshit.

You might be a redneck if…
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet Ms. Right

31. Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and

code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

32. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class hes named Boogers

McGee and is your mascot. Whenever someone asks a question,

walk over to the dog and ask it, Whatll be, McGee?

33. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you Snuggles.

34. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular

intervals.

35. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the

teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

36. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

37. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

38. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute commercial breaks every ten

minutes.

39. Tell students that youll fail them if they cheat on exams or fake the

funk.

40. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and

deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

41. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

42. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be

required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark

through Armenia, for next class.

43. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet.

Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

44. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

45. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

46. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

47. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep

their distance for their own safety and mutter something about that bug I

picked up in the field.

48. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream,

Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CANT HEEEEEEAR YOU!

49. After confirming everyones names on the roll, thank the class for

attending Advanced Astrodynamics 690 and mention that yesterday

was the last day to drop.

50. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11

number system. Use a complicated symbol youve named after yourself in

place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who dont use it.

51. Use a graduate student to bang cymbals every time your name is mentioned.

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A. Ask your mother.

Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?

A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A. Wiped his ass.

Q. Whats the difference between oral sex & anal sex?

A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. Whats the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Q. Whats the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q. Whats so good about an Ethiopian blow job?

A. You know shell swallow.

Q. Whats the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?

A. When hes got his head up a fairys skirt, then hes a goblin.

Q. Whats the definition of a Yankee?

A. Same thing as a quickie,only you do it yourself.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?

A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?

A. A mechanic!

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?

A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?

A. The blonde, because shes 18.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?

A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?

A. Are you In? or Is It In?

Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex

A. Honey, Im home!

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?

A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called Blonde paint?

A. Its not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..

Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.

A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Q. How can you tell a macho women?

A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q: Whats the leading cause of death among lesbians?

A: Hair balls.

Q: Whats good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?

A: Crust.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.