08
Jan

Police must notify residents when Catholic Church moves into neighborhood

Controversial Egans Law Expected to Gain Widespread Support

Trenton, N.J. (SatireWire.com) — Under a new law designed to protect minors, local police departments will now be required to inform residents any time a known Roman Catholic church moves into their neighborhood.

The law also mandates that Catholic churches register with authorities, wear electronic monitoring devices, and be prohibited from moving to within a half-mile radius of a school.

A follow-up to Megans Law, enacted by New Jersey in 1994, the so-called Egans Law is named for Cardinal Edward Egan of New York and Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston, who are both accused of covering up sexual abuse by priests under their authority. Like Megans Law, Egans Law is expected to spread quickly to other states, but for parents in towns across New Jersey, its on the books none too soon.

Last year, we discovered that a Catholic Church had been in our neighborhood for 30 years! And nobody told us! said Ruth Harper of Redbrook, N.J. My sons used to walk by that church every day on their way to school. Even now I shudder to think of what might have happened.

I always told my kids to steer clear of that place, added neighbor Scott Carlyle. But thats because there were a lot of strange people going in and out at odd hours, even at midnight on Saturdays. I was worried it was some kind of druggie hangout.

To think the whole time it was a Roman Catholic Church. Now I know why they had all those stained glass windows — so nobody could look in.

Critics, however, charge that Egans Law is unconstitutional, specifically because it relies on religious profiling and is intended to safeguard only one segment of the population: young males. But State Sen. Carmela Truto, a Catholic who co-sponsored the bill, used church doctrine itself to prove only one segment needs protection.

In the Catholic Church, after 2,000 years, Mary is still a Virgin, she said. So clearly, theyre not interested in girls.

Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.

07
Jan

You stop to flirt with

You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.

You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.

You save old kitchen appliances for childrens Christmas presents.

07
Jan

An old occupation

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

– Walt Disney didnt die. Hes in suspended animation.

– Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

– Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

07
Jan

Question and answer blonde joke

Q: Why cant the blonde make ice cubes?
A: She lost the recipe.

07
Jan

Quote on Monica

What did Clinton say when commenting on Monica?

She has the whitest teeth Ive ever cum across.

07
Jan

The man with one hand

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop.

07
Jan

Cold Hands

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, Honey, my hands are freezing!

She says, Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up.

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain Man! My hands are really freezing!

She says again, Well put them here between my legs and warm them up.

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, Honey, my hands are really freezing!

She looks at him and says, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DONT YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?

07
Jan

Punny Week – Valentine Story

He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentines day to be special, so he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived in time for the occasion.

On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.

In a moment of
inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home.

When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.

He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones.

Received from Stan Kegel.

07
Jan

Answering Machine Messages

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

(From a machine at a college dorm:)

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why were not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John:

If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money.

If you are my financial aid institution, you didnt lend me enough money.

If you are my friends, you owe me money.

If you are a female, dont worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrators voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, Im not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. beep Hello. I am Davids answering machine. What are you?

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)

He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

Hi! Johns answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and Ill stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Sallys microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so Im stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If youre still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and Ill think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home, Im just avoiding someone I dont like.

Leave me a message, and if I dont call back, its you.

Hi, this is George. Im sorry I cant answer the phone right now.

Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then were probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and cant come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably arent home and its safe to leave us a message.

Youre growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your*voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.

There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

07
Jan

Husbands Midlife Crisis

Dave Barry on your husbands midlife crisis:

If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think its a terrific idea.

If he wants to wear younger clothes, help him pick them out.

If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.