Old and New Jokes

Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?

A: Yellow in the front, brown in the back!

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever used a weedeater indoors.

Two
male buddies were walking through the woods when out
of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the
men in the penis! The man collapsed to the ground while
his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived
at a doctors office and said help, help, my friend
was bit by a snake in the penis. The doctor remarked
that he couldnt get all his tools to the woods in time
to save the friend, so he told him that he would have
to suck the venom out of his friend! There has got to
be another way said the man and the doctor sighed no
I am sorry! The man ran back to the woods and found
his poor friends lying on the floor in allot of pain!
The man on the floor cried, what did the doctor say?
The friend said, he said youre going to die.

Two blondes were roofing a house. One would pull out a nail and then hammer it into the roof. Then he would pull out another nail, look at it, then throw it over his shoulder. Blonde two eventually saw what blonde one was doing, watched him a while and then said, Why do you keep throwing out every other nail?.

The first blonde replied, Because their point is on the wrong end.

The second blonde then said, You airhead, those nails are for the other side of the roof!

Michael Jackson was in a room bumming George Michael. Suddenly Michael Jackson said I have to go now, but ill be back in five minutes, whatever you do dont wank. At that, Michael left.



Five minutes later Michael returned to find cum all over the ceiling and walls. What the hell happened here, I told you not to wank. But George replied I didnt; I farted

Heart Attacks…Gods Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

Im an imbecile and I vote

Money Isnt Everything… But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Grow your own dope, plant a man

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

BEER: Its not just for breakfast anymore.

I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots…I married their king.

Reality is a crutch for people who cant cope with drugs

Dont drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill it

We are born naked, wet, and hungry….Then things get worse.

Había una vez una pequeña viejecita que casi estaba ciega y tenía 3 hijos celosos que querían probar que cada uno de ellos era el mejor hijo para ella.

El primero le compró una mansión de 15 habitaciones pensando que sería lo mejor que se le podría ofrecer. El segundo le compró un Mercedes con un chofer, pensando que seguramente con este regalo ganaría su aprobación. El tercero tenía que hacerlo aún mejor, así que le compró una cotorra instruida, que se le había estado entrenando por 15 años para que memorizara la Biblia entera; se le podía preguntar cualquier verso de la Biblia y la cacatúa podía citarlo palabra por palabra. Éste seguramente iba a ser el mejor regalo.

La dama se dirige al primer hijo:

Hijo, la casa es bella, pero es demasiado grande para mí. Yo sólo ocupo una habitación y es demasiado pesado limpiar y encargarse del resto. Gracias de todos modos.

Va con el segundo hijo:

El carro es muy lujoso, pero yo casi no salgo y es un desperdicio. Además, el conductor es un tanto irritante y no me gusta mucho. Aprecio tu esfuerzo, pero ¿podrías devolverlo?

Entonces, le habló al tercer hijo:

¡Hijo, me gustaría darte las gracias por el mejor regalo de todos! Ese pollo estaba delicioso.

El juez interroga a la viejita indefensa:

¿Cual es su edad, señora?

Tengo 86 años.

¿Podría decirnos, en sus propias palabras que fue lo que sucedió?

Allí yo estaba, sentada en la mecedora en el porche de mi casa en una agradable noche de primavera, cuando un joven se acerco y se sentó junto a mi.

¿Usted lo conocía?

No, pero él se mostró bastante amigable.

¿Qué sucedió después de que él se sentó?

El comenzó a acariciar mis piernas.

¿Usted lo detuvo?

No, yo no lo detuve.

¿Por qué?

Se sentía muy bien, nadie me había hecho eso desde que mi esposo murió hace 30 años.

¿Qué sucedió después?

El comenzó a acariciarme mis senos.

¿Usted lo detuvo entonces?

No, yo no lo detuve.

¿Por qué?

Bueno, señor Juez, sus caricias me hicieron sentir viva y excitada. No me había sentido así en muchos años.

¿Qué sucedió después?

Bueno, yo me estaba sintiendo tan caliente y excitada que simplemente abrí mis piernas y le dije: hazme tuya jovencito, tómame, hazme el amor.

¿Entonces, el la tomó?

No. El sólo gritó Feliz Día de los Inocentes y fue allí cuando le disparé al hijo de su p… madre.

How many white girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? None because shes to busy screwing her cousin! Isnt that funny!

Last but not least I would like to say to the makers of this sight that you are the dumbest bunch of SOBs that I have ever seen. You must have blacks on your mind everyday day and night to do a whole website of them. Maybe if you would stop thinking of them so much and think about the fact that your Sister is really your aunt then maybe you wouldnt spend as much time thinking about blacks. Also I am sick tired of hearing you all tell us to go back to Africa, well if thats the case why dont you go back to England because you stole this land from the Indians. Oh and the next time you want to call a black a nigger why dont you consider the fact that a nigger is an ignorant person and I guess that includes you to.

A man bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down and the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.



As the needle jumped to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.





Theres no way they can catch a BMW, he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 . . . then the reality of the situation hit him. What the heck am I doing? he thought, and



pulled over.





The officer came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Its been a long day, this is the end of my shift and its Friday the 13th. I dont feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before, you can go.





The guy thinks for a second and says, Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.





Have a nice weekend, said the officer.