Old and New Jokes

yo mama soooo poor she caint even pay attention!

Did you know that the word gullible is not in most dictionaries?

— Scott Karlin

Having just returned from a brief visit to Puerto Rico, I must report how well the mixed english/metric system has made live easier on the island.

All speed limits are posted in Miles Per Hour

All distances on the highway are posted in Kilometers
(however short distances are posted in feet & inches)

Therefore it is normal to see the following three signs next to each other:

SPEED
LIMIT55
MPH
PONCE
55 KMSAN JUAN
285 KM
MAXIMUM
CLEARANCE
126

Just think how this must translate to one of the old common math problems assigned in school:

Train A (comprised of an engine, 22 box cars and a caboose) leaves San Juan at 12 noon south-bound for Ponce.

Train B (comprised of an engine, 16 box cars and a caboose) leaves Ponce 15 minutes later north-bound for San Juan.

There is only one stretch of double track where the trains may pass safely. This starts 100KM south of San Juan and is 2.5KM long.

It is 230KM from San Juan to Ponce (from front of engine)

Train A travels at 45MPH

Engines are 526 long

Box Cars are 428 long

Cabooses are 304 long

What is the slowest and fastest speeds at which Train B may travel to safely pass Train A?

Or, of a slightly more topical nature:

[Radio Anouncer] Hurricane Hugo is 120 KM East South East of the Island and is aproching at 18 Miles Per Hour. That means we should expect the center of the storm to pass over this area in … er … about … ah … But, first a word from our sponsor.

If there was an animal called Yabba Dabba, and if you decided keep it as a pet it your back yard, you will eventually step in Yabba Dabba Doo!

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION – 10 MILES.

He thinks it is just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION – 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.

When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a beautiful nun in a black habit who says, I know what you are here for, my son. Please follow me.

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, Please knock on this door.

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another beautiful nun holding a tin cup.

This nun instructs, Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway. He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing a huge sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY!

Yesterday, after extensive testing, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones… yes, its true.

To prove their theory, the scientists had 100 men consume 12 bottles of beer.

They then observed that 100% of them:

1: Gained weight.

2: Talked excessively without making sense.

3: Became emotional.

4: Called home just to see if anyone called.

5: Couldnt drive.

6: Went to the bathroom in groups.

7: Rearranged the furniture for no apparent reason.

No further testing is planned.

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, May I help you, sir?

The duck says, Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass.

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.



EXERCISE 1:



Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasnt effective enough.



EXERCISE 2:



Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.



EXERCISE 3:



Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.



You are now properly prepared.

Q. How do you know if a blonde used your computer?

A. The joystick is wet.

Simmonss Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.