Old and New Jokes

He was
only a chocolate chip cookie…

…but I loved him.
I met him at a party. There he was at the end of the buffet….a loner;
the last one on the plate. He had a certain something…a sweetness, a
sensuality. He was one hot cookie. I felt as if Id always known him…hungered
for him.
When he looked at me with those warm brown eyes, I melted. Before I
knew it, I had my hands on him, my mouth on him…in public. After that
night, we were inseparable. With him I could be myself. He didnt seem
to care what mood I was in, how I looked or even if I gained weight. Together
we had the recipe for happiness. No one satisfied me like Chip.
THEN THINGS CHANGED
My friends said he was no good for me. He started to give me heartburn.
I felt crummy, but it had to end. Now weve gone our separate ways. I
hardly think of him anymore. Oh, if I see a certain TV commercial, a particular
magazine ad, a coupon for money off…that old longing returns. And when
we run into each other in the supermarket, we nod. Were friendly.But
its OVER!

1. Be Allah you can be
2. Aim Low
3. An Army of None
4. The Few……………………………….
5. Martyrs have more fun
6. Vigins….we got Virgins!!
7. Free Camoflage Turbans….sign up today!
8. Uncle oSAMa wants you

A co-workers favorite joke:

Two men are hiking in the mountains. One suddenly stops, removes
his hiking boots, and starts putting on sneakers. The other asks
why he is doing that.

The first man answers, I thought I heard a bear.

The second argues, You cant outrun a bear, not even with sneakers.

The first responds, I just need to outrun YOU!

Some mornings I wake up grouchy… and on others I just let her sleep!

Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policies

REDMOND, Washington – January 4, 1995 – In response to customer inquiries, Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for Bob(tm), its new software product designed for computer beginners. Contrary to rumors, Microsoft will not demand that all persons formerly named Bob immediately select new first names.

I dont know where these rumors come from, commented Steve Balmer, Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and Support. Its ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people outside the computer industry to change their names. We wont, and our licensing policies for people within the industry will be so reasonable that the Justice Department could never question them.

Balmer said employees of other computer companies will be given the opportunity to select new names, and will also be offered a licensing option allowing them to continue using their former names at very low cost.

The new licensing program, called Microsoft TrueName(tm), offers persons who want to continue being known by the name Bob the option of doing so, with the payment of a small monthly licensing fee and upon signing a release form promising never to use OpenDoc. As an added bonus, Bob name licensees will also be authorized to display the Windows 95 logo on their bodies.

Persons choosing not to license the Bob name will be given a 60-day grace period during which they can select another related name. Were being very lenient in our enforcement of the Bob trademark, said Bill Newkom, Microsofts Senior Vice President of Law and Corporate Affairs. People are still free to call themselves Robert, Robby, or even Rob. Bobby however is derivative of Microsofts trademark and obviously cant be allowed.

Microsoft also announced today that Bob(tm) Harbold, its Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer, has become the first Microsoft TrueName licensee and will have the Windows 95 logo tattooed to his forehead.

Theres a little boy at school and asks the teacher if he can go to the toilet.

Okay says the teacher. But first youve got to say the alphabet.

They boy says the alphabet: a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z.

What happened to the p? asked the teacher.

Its running down my leg, Miss.

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through — dont be upset. It wont be long."Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldnt have any, she began to cry. The mother said softly, "There, there, Monica, dont cry — only two more aisles to go and then well be checking out."When they got to the checkout stand, the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering thered be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, "Monica, well be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldnt help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no. Im Monica — my little girls name is Tammy."

Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.

GOT A LIGHT?

In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition — lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.

Witnesses later described the scene of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as bright by his peers.