Knock Knock
Whos there?
Livia!
Livia who?
Livia me alone!
27
Sep
27
Sep
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive! Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. You wanted to end the Americans liberty, so they gave you death! Henry punches Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense! He drops a large weight on Osamas knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams – this is not what I was promised!
An angel replies I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you…
What the hell did you think I said?
27
Sep
A Koala bear and a hooker were having sex, during the sex the Koala bear goes down on the hooker.
After they were finished the Koala bear got up and started to walk out. The hooker stopped him and said you have to pay me.
The koala bear shook his head. So, the hooker pulls out a dictionary and shows the bear the defintion of a hooker – have sex and get paid for it.
The Koala bear then asked for the dictionary and show ed her the definition of a Koala bear – eats bush and leaves.
27
Sep
Hey! Its my turn to sit in the front pew.
I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
Ive decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
Forget the denominational minimum salary, lets pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
I love it when we sing hymns Ive never heard before!
Since were all here, lets start the service early.
Pastor, wed like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
27
Sep
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians – the quick and the dead.
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said, Quit while youre ahead?
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Its not hard to meet expenses, theyre everywhere.
Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the Y becomes silent.
27
Sep
Theyre gonna be called Danglers.
27
Sep
A man went to the doctor with a really bad infection. The doctor informed him he had Aids with just about every kind of infection there is to go along with it.
The patient asked the doc what they were going to do for him. The doc answered that he was going to put him on a diet.
A diet! What kind of diet? questioned the patient.
Pizza & pancakes, answered the doc.
Pizza and pancakes! Will that help? queried the patient.
The doctor replied: I dont know, but its the only thing we know of that we can slide under the door to you.
27
Sep
For all you guys out therewho just cant figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single ruleapplies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something shedislikes and points are subtracted. You dont get any points for doing something sheexpects…Sorry, thats the way the game is played. Here is a guide to thepoint system. Simple Duties: You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when its empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night …0
You check out a suspicious noise and its nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and its something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
Its her father..-10 Social Engagements: You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8 Her Birthday: You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar ……+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And its all-you-can-eat night..-3
Its a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10 A Night Out With The Boys: Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15 A Night Out: You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
Its called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ………-15 Your Physique: You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it….+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I dont give a damn because you have one too"…-800 The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35 Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because youve fallen asleep..-20
27
Sep
US had succeded in Mission Apollo 11 and it was great time as people around the world was watching for the great historic event Live over TV. The built in camera of the ship was focussiing the terrain of the moon and man was about to step on place where nobody has ever done before.
Neil had steeped on the moon and had just finished saying whatever came to his mind and was exited to be the first man on moon but just then he spotted two shaks not far from him and curiously wanted to explore it as this could be another great moment for him, he jumped and hopped to the shaks to find two Indian shops written on them was Gill Spare Parts & Tambi cutting center.
26
Sep
Q. What is Roseanne Barrs favorite sex toy?
A. Ben – Wa basketballs.