Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

• Well, how bout that? Im lost! Looks like well have to stop and
  ask for directions.

• You know, Pumpkin, now that youre 13, youll be ready for
  unchaperoned car dates. Wont that be fun?

• I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I
  like that.

• Heres a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!

• What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skatings not good
  enough for you, son?

• Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to
  consider throwing a party.

• Well, I dont know whats wrong with your car. Probably one of
  those doo-hickey thingies — ya know — that makes it run or something.
  Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

• No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring.
  Now quit your belly-aching, and lets go to the mall.

• Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you
  to spend.

• What do I want for my birthday? Aahh — dont worry about that.
  Its no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they dont mean it)

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful lady.

May I buy you a drink? the man asks the lady.

Sure, but one thing I have to confess before you get intimate is that I was once a man, she responds.

Whoa! I would have never known if you hadnt told me, the man says shocked, Well what was the worst part of the operation? Was it when they sewed on those gahoonas?

No, she says calmly.

What about when they cut off your..

No, she says hesitantly.

Well what was the worst part of the operation?, the man asks.

Well, the worst part has to be when they removed half of my brain!

President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded! the American President cried. My peoples favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!

Bill, da Canadian pipple would be appy to do anyting witin der power to elp you replied the Prime Minster. (Yes, he does speak like that)

I do need your help, said Clinton. Could you possibly send 1,000,000 Condoms ASAP to tie us over?

Certainment! I get right on it! said Chretien.

Oh, and one more small favor, please? said Clinton.

Oui?

Could the condoms be red, white and blue in colour; at least 10 long and 4 in diameter? said Clinton.

No problem replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Cretien hung up and called the President of Trojan.

I need a favour, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send dem to Hamerica.

Consider it done. said the President of Trojan

Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at least 10 long and 4 in diameter.

Easily done. Anything else?

Yah, said the Prime Minister, an print MADE IN CANADA, MEDIUM on each one.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bassoon recital.

How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking

Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions

Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection

El marido se despide de la esposa para ir a trabajar. La esposa, que estaba en el baño, le grita:

¡Amor, necesito dinero!

Con fastidio, el marido le contesta:

Anda a coger.

La esposa, un poco extrañada, le contesta:

¿Y cuánto cobro?

¡De la gaveta, imbécil!, le grita furioso el marido.

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friends door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, Fred, howd that pig get him a wooden leg?



Well Michael, thats a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin, went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!



And the boar tore up his leg?



No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin like he was stuck, woke us up, and fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved em all!



So thats when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?



No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out fore I drownded. Sure did save my life.



And that was when he hurt his leg?



Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too.



OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?



Well, the farmer tells him, Shit, when you have a Pig like THAT, youre not gonna eat all at once!

Q: Why dont statisticians like to model new clothes?
A: Lack of fit.

Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.